


you can't hide by closing your eyes

by MaddieandChimney



Series: Maddie Begins [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Also this is my 250th fic on here!, F/M, Gen, M/M, Maddie Begins, and domestic violence, and injuries, mentions of a car accident, mentions of canon daniel buckley, mentions of doug kendall, more trigger tags to be added as the story continues, so yay! Celebration!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:02:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29544183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: They have to be okay, they have so much to live for. She has a daughter and a fiancé waiting for her at home and Buck has only just gotten everything he had ever wanted in Eddie and Christopher. He can’t leave them now..Maddie reflects on her life in the aftermath of a car accident, as hers and Buck's lives hang in the balance.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Maddie Begins [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2170593
Comments: 139
Kudos: 288





	1. 1992

**Author's Note:**

> Mentions of injury from a car accident, flashbacks to Daniel Buckley as is canon. So will contain spoilers from Buck Begins.

Blood. 

That’s the first thing she feels when she lifts a trembling hand to her head, her chest already heaving when the panic starts to set in. It takes her a moment to remember, trying to focus on taking deep breaths before she tilts her head slowly to the side, “Evan?” 

Her eyes feel heavy, her head spins but she reaches for her brother, letting out a sob when he doesn’t stir. They were driving, that’s the last thing she can think of; she had been telling him how she had walked in on Chimney singing  _ and _ dancing to ‘You’re Welcome’ from Moana to their one year old daughter, and Buck had been laughing. They’d both been laughing and now, she coughs, the taste of iron in the back of her throat, lifting a hand to her wet lips before she stares at her red coated fingertips. 

“Evan?” She tries again, trying her best to stop her eyes from closing, trying to focus on his chest, just to make sure it’s still rising and falling. The relief is incomparable to the pain she’s feeling right then, knowing that he’s still alive, even if he hasn’t woken up yet. It looks like his head hit the steering wheel pretty hard, the smile no longer on his face. She doesn’t know how long it’s been since they crashed - maybe a few minutes, maybe longer. “Please wake up,” The tears mix with the blood, a resounding pain rushing through her as though her body has finally caught up with the reality of the situation, “you gotta wake up… please…” 

* * *

**1992**

Maddie smiles down at her brother as she holds him in her arms, fingers gently grazing along the birthmark above his eye before she takes a breath, “Daniel wouldn’t want us to be sad forever.” The piercing blue eyes of the one year old looks at her, as though he has any clue what his big sister is saying, as though somehow he knows that they’ve gone from three to two. 

She’s only nine but she senses the immediate shift in everything that once was. When she had tried to hug her mom, she’d pushed her away and when Evan had cried the night before, she’d been the only one to go to him. It was unfamiliar territory in the week since their brother had died but she knows that everyone is hurting right now. She feels it, too, she was just as old as her youngest brother is right now when Daniel had been born. So, as much as he won’t remember his brother, she doesn’t remember life without him. It’s with a sad sigh that she runs her fingers through his blonde curls, taken aback for the hundredth time at just how much he looks like Daniel. The eyes, the hair, even his smile. The only thing that set him apart was the distinct pink mark above his eye.

She smiles, remembering how their grandmother had said it was a good sign, because he was born to save Daniel and he’d been kissed by an angel on his way into the world. Maddie gulps at the thought, feeling the tears in her eyes before she tries to force them back. She’d promised Daniel that she would be strong, that she would love their little brother enough for the two of them. And then he was gone. 

It’s with a flinch that she moves to pull her brother a little closer to her at the sound of their mother’s broken sobs, eyes darting around at all the people dressed in black, wandering around their house with sympathetic looks shot her way every so often. It’s the way they look at Evan that causes her arms to wrap a little tighter, feeling protective of him when her lips press to his head. “I love you, Evan.” He babbles something back at her, nonsensical, but it makes her heart feel lighter as she nods her head as though she understands what he’s trying to say back.

* * *

It’s with a groan that her eyes open again, blinking as she tries to hold onto the present day. She must have only been passed out for a few minutes, she hopes, body shivering when she realises the temperature has dropped some and the sun is starting to set. It’s with as much focus as she can muster that she looks around, seeing trees instead of road and not a single flash of a siren nearby. That doesn’t mean no one is looking for them though, that’s what she has to cling to because Chimney was expecting her home at four and it must be after that.

It’s with a whimper that she turns to her little brother, reaching out to grab his arm, “We’re gonna be okay.” She mumbles, even though he can’t hear her, her voice sounding weak and each breath more of a struggle than the last. They have to be okay, they have so much to live for. She has a daughter and a fiancé waiting for her at home and Buck has only  _ just  _ gotten everything he had ever wanted in Eddie and Christopher. He can’t leave them now. 

Blindly, she reaches for the handle of her door, to no avail when she tries it, letting out a sob as she does. Her phone had been in her hand when… when they had crashed. She can just about recall pulling her phone out so she could text Chimney to tell him they were on their way home and then there was the sound of metal hitting metal and screeching tires and pain. So much pain. The distant sound of her brother screaming her name, of his arm reaching out over her chest as though he was trying to protect her from whatever was coming next. 

Maddie fumbles for her seatbelt, ignoring the way her body is practically screaming at her to stop, trying to push away the darkness for as long as she can, just enough so she can find her phone and call for help. It’s with a gasp that she sits back, “Buck? Please…” She can’t do it alone, she can’t get them out on her own. She needs her brother. 

Her eyes closing a few seconds later is almost a welcome reprieve as she whimpers out his name once more, met with silence. 

* * *

**1992**

Maddie frowns when she walks into the usually quiet house, to the sight of her parents packing rushing around, throwing things in boxes. So many boxes. It had been eerie when she had left for school that morning, the house was always quiet now without Daniel bossing her around or the sound of her dad’s loud laughter. Her brother died and somehow everything that made their home a home went with him and she wishes she could understand why. They’d all sat there and promised him that they would look after each other but now her parents won’t even look at her or Evan without one or both of them bursting into tears. 

“What’s going on?” She’s slow to drop her backpack down on the floor, carefully watching as her dad throws framed photographs of them as a family in the nearest box without looking at them. “Daddy?” 

It’s enough, at least, to get him to look down at her, looking tired and older somehow, “Maddie, when did you get home?” 

Her heart drops, suddenly missing the days when he’d be there with a hug and a bad joke. Now, it was as though he wasn’t truly there and he didn’t see anyone other than her mom, his arms only opening for her as though just being near Maddie and his young son was too much. Too difficult. “Just now…” She finally whispers, eyes glancing around at the house that had been full of stuff when she’d left for school and now… “A-are we leaving?” 

She knows the answer before her dad kneels down in front of her and she finds some comfort in the feeling of his hands in her own when he looks into her eyes before he nods his head, “We’re going to live in a place called Hershey.” 

“Like the chocolate?”

He smiles, not the way he used to but at nine, she feels a sense of pride within herself that she’d managed to make him actually  _ smile _ , even if only for a second. “Tell her, Philip.” The cold tone of her mother suddenly reverberates through the room and Maddie finds herself frowning, glancing up at the pale, tired woman, her eyes red from endless crying. She wants to hug her and tell her that she misses him too, but every single time she mentions his name, she’s met with a hard stare or an empty room a few seconds later. Her teacher tells her it’s good to talk about him, to remember him. She thinks maybe she shouldn’t tell the kind man that her parents don’t feel the same way, that they don’t want to remember. Not yet, anyway. 

“Maddie, when we leave, we have to leave Daniel here, do you understand?” She shakes her head, confused, because even though he was dead, her grandmother promised that she could always carry him with her in her heart and in her mind. He sighs, and she feels a swell of disappointment rushing through her because she hates that look on his face as though she’s said or done something wrong, her bottom lip trembling, “It’s better for everyone if we don’t talk about him again, okay?” 

_ No,  _ she wants to scream, it’s not okay. Everyone tells her she should talk about him, she goes to school with Daniel’s friends and his favourite teacher hugs her every single time she sees her. Instead, she gulps down the lump in her throat and bites down on her bottom lip in an attempt to stop the tears. She always managed to make her mom angry when she cried. They fall anyway when she blinks, yanked away from the soft touch of her dad, her mom’s hand wrapping around her arm when she looks down at her. 

“You have to promise us Maddie, that you will never mention his name again. Not to anyone. Especially not to Evan.” It’s a similar tone to the one she had used with the doctors when they had told them that there was nothing else that could be done, that terrifying anger that had left Maddie snuggling into her brother’s side as he whispered that it would be okay. He’s not there to comfort her this time, he’s not there to soothe the rage that their mom is feeling, a fire burning in her eyes that causes the nine year old to try and pull her arm from the tight grip. “You have to promise, if Evan ever finds out, you’ll only hurt him, is that what you want?” 

The grip relents, enough for her to stumble back with a cry, and a whimper, eyes glancing between the two adults as she nods her head, “I promise.” Only because she knows that her smallest brother was meant to save Daniel’s life and it hadn’t worked, even if she didn’t understand why. She didn’t want him to think that he wasn’t wanted because he was. Maybe not for the right reasons, maybe not for the  _ best _ reasons but he was wanted. And she wanted him, Daniel had always wanted him. 

Her mom is gone a few seconds later, replaced by the soft hand of her dad on her shoulder, causing her to look up as she does her best not to burst into tears, “You don’t want to make your mom sad, do you, Maddie?” She shakes her head, “It’s best to leave Daniel behind, in this house. We’ll have a fresh start, and we’ll be happier, I promise.” His voice cracks, but he leans down to press a kiss to the top of her head and it’s the most affection she’s had from him since everything, so she nods her head, knowing she has to be good if she wants to be a good big sister to Evan. She’d promised Daniel and now she had another promise to keep. 

* * *

“Maddie?” 

She forces her eyes open at the sound of his voice, feeling a weak grip on top of her hand before she tilts her head towards him. Relief at the sight of those blue eyes she had fallen in love with at just eight years old. He’s in pain, she can see how he’s trying to disguise it, to try and stay strong for her, “C-can’t find my phone.” 

“Me either, but it’s gonna be okay. They’ll find us.” He sounds more confident than he looks, and she can see he’s struggling to stay awake as much as she is, blood pouring down the side of his face, “We’re a family, they’ll  _ always _ come for us… it’ll be okay.” It’s dark out now and she tries to decipher how much time has passed since the last time she can remember opening her eyes but it’s no use, she’s already lulling herself back into unconsciousness, grateful for the break from the searing pain as she manages to let out a small whimper of her brother’s name, darkness falling once more.


	2. 1999

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continued mentions of injuries following a car accident and loss of a child.

**1999**

Maddie sighs as she stumbles into her brother’s room, ignoring the slight spinning of her head before she sits on the edge of his bed, carefully pressing a hand to his blanket covered foot before he stirs, “Maddie?” She smiles when he opens his eyes, blinking through the darkness of his bedroom, through the haziness of his sleep. It’s one in the morning, she most definitely should not be stumbling in a little tipsy to her seven year old brother’s bedroom but the thought of creeping past her parents room to try and get to her own seemed too much of a risk.

Evan is slow to sit up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes with a yawn, “You smell funny.” He mumbles, his nose scrunching up, whilst she moves to crawl up his bed to throw her head down on the pillow with a long sigh. “Mom and dad shouted for a long time after you were gone.” She gulps, hating herself even more than she did when she had stormed out of there a few hours before and left her little brother alone with them in the midst of an argument. She can still feel the stinging sensation on her cheek from her mother’s hand and see the burning anger in her eyes.

It’s usually her soothing her brother’s various wounds, but now, his small hand presses gently against her cheek. She can make out the tear that falls down his face through the moonlit room, reaching out her own hand to take his as she shakes her head, “I’m okay, are _you_ okay?” The argument had been about him, after all, her and their mother screaming at each other whilst their dad had sat silently and awkward between them. It’s with a sniff that her little brother nods his head and it breaks her heart because she knows he has absolutely no idea why their parents had gotten so upset in the first place. He was seven, _almost_ eight and he had no idea that he was about to surpass his older brother. But it wasn’t his fault and she hated that her parents had, piece by piece, taken away his excitement at the prospect of his eighth birthday party. 

She pulls her hand away enough to link her little finger with his, biting down on her bottom lip, “I’m sorry about your party. Mom and dad are just… busy, I suppose. I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that and I shouldn’t have left you behind.” 

He grips onto her finger tightly, until his little body curls into hers and she lets go only to wrap her arms tightly around him, “It’s okay,” He finally whispers, and she wants to tell him that it’s not, that he deserves to have the party he wanted just like all his friends had but instead, she presses a kiss to his blonde curls and closes her eyes, holding back tears of her own, “maybe next year, eight isn’t that big of a deal anyway.” 

It’s a much bigger deal than he can ever know and she opens her mouth to tell him that, hiding her face in the top of his head instead. He can’t know about Daniel. He already feels unloved and unwanted by the two people in the world who should love him and want him the most. She pulls him closer to her, “You being born was the best thing that ever happened to me, Evan. I hope you remember that.” 

His little hands curl around her top, and she’s sure she can feel his tears against her skin as he buries his face into her neck and she bites down on her lip to stop herself from crying along with him. “I love you, Maddie. But you really do smell bad.”

She laughs, shaking her head, “Trust me, beer tastes as bad as it smells but I just want to hug you for a little bit longer, okay?” 

“I don’t mind.” His body snuggles a little further into hers, and the sixteen year old sighs, closing her eyes and thinking about how safe she’d always felt in her brother’s arms, even though he was fourteen months younger than her, hoping she does the same for their little brother.

* * *

“Evan?” It comes out as a gasp when she opens her eyes, her head still spinning as she tilts her head to look at her brother. There’s relief to find he’s awake, although it looks as though he wants to be anything but that. His face is pale, but the bleeding seems to have stemmed some and he forces a smile that appears to be more of a grimace when he looks at her, giving her a weak squeeze of his hand in her own. “I’m sorry.” 

“Sorry? Why are you sorry? I was the one driving.” He lets out a laugh, cut off by painful sounding coughs as she shakes her head, doing her best to stop the tears from falling. She’s so tired, she knows they have to reserve as much energy as they possibly can before the 118 find them. Before their family comes for them because… they will. She knows they will, she has to cling onto that. 

“N-no, I’m sorry for everything before. D-Daniel a-and… mom and dad… I’m sorry. If I could take it back…” 

“Maddie that was… I told you it was okay. We don’t need to…” 

It’s with a whimper that she shakes her head once more, adamantly this time, the pain in her head intensifying, dizzying enough to cause a wave of nausea to rush over her. “I-I just wanted you to feel safe. I’m sorry.” 

This time, his grip is tight, as though he’s using every ounce of strength to try and get her to look at him as she fights the exhaustion once more, trying to ignore the helplessness because it must have been hours and still, no one has come for them. “I always felt safe with you. Because of you.”

It’s with a smile that her eyes close, “You make me feel safe too.” 

* * *

**1999**

“Why can’t you just… do better?” Maddie tilts her head, trying to get her dad’s attention as he refuses to look at her, his eyes averting her gaze as he tries to focus on everything _but_ her. “Dad, you have to see what you’re doing to him. Dan--”

“Don’t you dare mention his name. Don’t you _ever._ ” He’s not usually one for anger but she can hear it in his tone, betrayed only by the devastation in his eyes when he finally looks at her and she finds herself taking a step back, wary. Fights with her mother were a regular occurrence, and whilst she had raised a hand to her the first time a few nights before, after Maddie had called her a bitch, she still finds herself painfully aware that grief has stolen the people she knew away from her and away from Evan and she hates it. She doesn’t know who either of them are anymore and she misses them, but she hates them. 

“He wouldn’t want this.” 

“You don’t know what he would want, you’re a child.” 

A line she has heard a hundred times before - what does she know because she’s only a child? What does she know about loss and grief and devastation? What did she know about _anything_? “I’m almost seventeen, I’ll be gone next year and the only reason that is terrifying is because of him. Because I’ll have to leave him behind with you and with her and with a ghost he doesn’t even know exists because you two refuse to see that beautiful little boy for who he is. He needs you, he needs both of you. I-I can’t… I can’t play mom, dad _and_ sister. He needs you to do better, you need to be better!” 

“You don’t understand what it’s like, maybe when you’re a parent, you’ll understand but you’re still a child. You’re _our_ child--”

Maddie scoffs, “Yeah, when it suits you.” And the room falls silent, watching as her dad stumbles back a little as though she’s hit him, shock on his face before, suddenly, it’s gone. And he’s back to his usual, stoic self, shaking his head. 

“Breakfast will be ready in five minutes, go get your brother.”

Her eyes roll, grabbing hers and Evan’s bags from the counter, “We’ll grab breakfast on the way to school.” It’s with pure disdain that she looks at him, turning around to storm out of the kitchen, grabbing onto her brother’s hand from where he’s standing, before she pulls him out of the door with her. 

“Maddie!” 

* * *

“Maddie! Maddie, hey…” His panicked voice is enough to force her eyes back open, tired of falling in and out of consciousness as a surge of hope washes over her. If he’s waking her up, maybe that means help has arrived and she’ll get to hold her daughter in her arms soon. The thought of Amelia growing up without her is enough to cause an ache in her chest and a twisting in her stomach as she looks at her little brother. 

“S-sorry, I-I couldn’t… I couldn’t feel a pulse…” That explains the sheer panic in his voice and the fear in his eyes as she moves to link her little finger with his, trying to force herself to smile. She’s his big sister, she has to be strong, she has to fight for him, for Amelia, for Chimney… for herself, no matter how hard it is. 

“M’okay. Do you… have you tried… your d-door?” She knows he probably has, but she needs the distraction, she needs to know that they have tried everything to try and get home to the people who love them. 

Buck grimaces, “Won’t open,” He whispers, “can try to smash the window but I can’t… c-can’t move my arm.” Those words are enough to cause the panic to rise, her heart thumping fast and hard as she tries to catch a glimpse of his arm, to no avail. “Think it’s broken… n-no, know it is. Bone, can see bone. It’ll be okay, although Christopher might have something to say about me catching up on those surgeries, huh?” Despite it all, she finds herself smiling at the mention of the little boy who had stolen both of their hearts from the moment they had met him. Her brother, perhaps because he was still a kid himself, was wonderful with him and it hurts to think that they might not make it home to the people who are counting on them to stay alive. To keep fighting. 

“If… if I don’t… a-and you do... “ He’s already shaking his head as though the very idea is impossible because he knows exactly what she’s going to say but he doesn’t interrupt her because it’s their reality right now and she needs to say what she needs to say. “You have to make sure that Amelia celebrates everything, okay? I-I know that Chimney is good at that… but I want all of her birthday’s to be special. Even if I’m not there. You have to make _every_ birthday special, o-okay?” He knows how it feels to be forgotten on that day, more than most, the two of them growing up where birthday’s were money and gifts they didn’t really want. “Big parties, all the friends she wants, family… promise me.” 

Her finger is still linked to his, squeezing down as tightly as she can before he nods his head, “I promise. But you’ll be there, too.” They fall into silence for a moment, her eyes closing, before she hears him take a deep breath, “If I don’t make it but you do, Mads, will you make sure they know how much I loved them? How I wish… I-I wish we could have… I wish I had longer.” 

She opens her mouth to protest, wanting to tell him that he’s going to get the rest of his life with his family, but instead, she mumbles an agreement, barely coherent. She hopes that the next time she opens her eyes, it’s to the sound of her fiancé calling her name or to anyone from the 118 telling her that they’re going to be okay. 


	3. 2002-3

**2002**

“You are way too pretty to be sitting out here on your own.” 

A voice pulls her from her own thoughts, looking up from her phone, quickly brushing away the tears, before she forces herself to smile. She was used to that, pretending as though she was okay, usually for the sake of her little brother but now, so she doesn’t look like a complete idiot crying at a party in front of a stranger. She doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t know what to say but he takes it upon himself to sit next to her anyway, a confident smile on his face and two cups of beer in his hands. 

Maddie hesitates when he offers one to her, taking it, before she sighs, placing her phone down on the porch next to her, close enough that she would hear it buzzing if her brother ever decided to text her or ring her back. “Thank you.” She finally murmurs, taking a sip of the liquid just to be polite, her eyes glancing down at her phone, whilst he shifts just that little bit closer to her.

“I’m Doug.” Her eyes linger on his face for a moment; he’s handsome with dark eyes and a bright smile. He exudes confidence, so much so that his shoulder is brushing against hers and somehow, it’s endearing yet intimidating at the same time. “Are you okay?” The question seems genuine, his eyes remaining on hers until she glances back down at her phone. She’s only just met him and she’s not about to pour her heart out to him about her family issues. 

Instead, she shrugs her shoulders, “Family stuff.” It’s not far from the truth except, in her head, family is just her and her brother and he currently hates her because she couldn’t make it home for his Christmas recital and she hates that guilty pit that lingers in her stomach because he knows, as much as she does, that if she doesn’t go… then no one will. Deep down, she knows he’ll forgive her eventually, but everything within her aches because he’s all she has in the world and it’s barely been an hour and she already misses him. 

The handsome stranger - Doug, she silently recalls, nods his head with a smile, before he nudges his shoulder against hers with a laugh, “Are you gonna tell me your name?” His eyes sparkle in the light of the moon and she finds herself laughing with him easily, realising she had been too caught up in her own thoughts, that she had forgotten to introduce herself. A part of her wants to keep the mystery, a teasing smirk on her face before her cheeks flush. 

“Maddie.” 

“A beautiful name for a beautiful girl,” It should be cheesy but the way he’s looking at her makes her heart skip a beat, not sure anyone has ever looked at her that way before. “So, Maddie, do you want--” 

Her phone rings, causing her to jump away as though he’s burnt her before she makes a grab for it, shooting him an apologetic smile but not staying long enough to ever hear what he was going to ask as she hands him back his beer, standing up to press her phone to her ear with a relieved smile, “Evan?” 

* * *

“Evan?” She gasps out his name when her eyes open again, trying to ignore the way her head spins, tugging on his hand that still remains in her own. His eyes are closed, his face paler than it had been when she had last opened her eyes and for just one terrifying, heart crushing moment, she fears the worst. “Evan?” She repeats, the pain searing through her own body when she lurches herself forward enough to try and catch sight of his chest, yanking her hand from his to press her fingers against his neck. It’s faint, but it’s there and he’s cold to the touch and Maddie knows that if no one comes for them soon, it’ll be too late. 

She pays no mind to the way her own body screams at her to stop, leaning over as much as she can to rest her head on his shoulder and her hand on his chest. It’s comforting to focus on the slow thumping of her little brother’s heart against the palm of her hand. Trying to keep her mind focused on the here and the now, as she takes a breath, “Why did everyone see it except me?” He can’t hear her, unable to stop herself from thinking about her life  _ before _ . Before she was happy and before she felt loved, truly loved. 

* * *

**2003**

Maddie smiles when an arm wraps around her waist and lips press against her cheek, tilting her head to look at the man who stands proudly next to her. It’s the first time in such a long time that she’s ever felt  _ wanted _ , as though her very presence in his life isn’t a lingering memory of a life once lost or a life that could have been lived. He looks at her as though she’s everything and she finds it easy to get lost in his smile, in the flowers and the jewellery. 

Her friends swoon and tell her that she’s lucky, although her parents disapprove and somehow, that just makes it all that much sweeter. In her eyes, there’s nothing not to love about him - he’s kind, charming and protective. And he makes promises for their future together that gives her hope that there’s something beyond the pain and the sadness that she’s felt for so long. She’s nineteen and somehow, it feels as though her life has only just begun in the arms of the first man who’s ever loved her. 

“Thank you for coming tonight, I know it’s awkward but it means a lot to me.” Her smile is bright as she tilts her head up to look at him, pulling back enough to adjust his tie before she takes a breath. It’s Evan’s twelfth birthday and although it’s not the party he wanted, she’s grateful to know that her parents are finally at least acknowledging the day. Even if it is some awkward family dinner that Doug hadn’t even been invited to but she’s sure as hell going to bring him because he’s her family. More so than her parents have been in a really long time. 

“Anything for my girl.” There’s that dazzling smile that she loves so much, their eyes meeting until his lips press against hers and for a moment, it’s as though nothing else matters. Not her parents, not the dark cloud that still looms over them, it’s just her and Doug even for a brief moment and it feels good, it feels  _ right.  _ At least until they have to step into the home that Daniel may never have lived in, but his ghost still lingers. 

“Maddie!” It’s easy to brush past her parents, wrapping her arms tightly around her not-so-little brother, who, at eight years younger than her, is already the same height as her. Her parent’s hadn’t given her a lot, they hadn’t been there for her when she needed them the most but they had given her the best gift in the world in being a big sister to Evan. Even if it was a gift they never truly wanted, not for the right reasons anyway. She can love him enough for the three of them and she hopes, one day, Doug will love him too. He pulls back, enough to settle a glare on the man standing next to her, “Doug.” He deadpans, and she tries not to smile as she ruffles his hair. Well, maybe Evan would have to love Doug, too before that could happen. 

“Evan.” She tries not to think about the equally cold voice of her boyfriend, remembering how he’d told her that he’d never really been around kids. It still hurts though, to know that her two favourite people in the world don’t quite get on in the way she would have hoped or wanted but… it’s a change. Another change in the dynamic of hers and Evan’s relationship, in such a short period of time since she had left the family home to go to college a few hours away. It’s just an adjustment period, even if he’s whispered to her several times in the past that he doesn’t like her new boyfriend. He’s never liked any of her boyfriends, it’s easy to brush off. 

Her eyes linger over the cut on her brother’s forehead and his bruised, swollen nose, softly cupping his chin with her hand as she looks into those blue eyes that she has loved for twelve years, smiling at him. “Another broken nose? You’re gonna have no nose left at this point.” 

It’s easy to ignore the way Doug scoffs behind her, the budding medical student who knew anything and everything there was to know about medicine in the hopes that one day, he’d be better than his own father, following so eagerly in the footsteps of a man she had yet to meet. He’s just not good with kids, she tells herself, he doesn’t understand how to talk to them, that she’s only teasing. At least her brother grins at her, his hand in her own a second later to pull her with him, forcing Doug’s hand to drop from her lower back where it had remained since Evan had wrapped his arms around her, “I have so much to tell you! Mom and dad got me a Playstation and my best friend, Riley, he gave me his old skateboard because mine kinda, sorta broke.” 

Her head turns to look at her boyfriend as she grins at him whilst her little brother continues to ramble on, not noticing how it takes a moment for him to return the smile until he goes back to awkward conversation with her dad about how college is going. Until she looks back at Evan when he stops in his excitement, eyes lingering behind her for just a second until his nose scrunches up, “What do you even see in him anyway?” 

* * *

It’s with a gasp that Maddie finds herself waking up, lulled only by the feeling of her brother’s heart beating as she slowly pulls back enough to look around. It feels as though she’s spent her entire life fighting but she’d always found a way. She’d found happiness in her little brother through the grief of losing Daniel, she’d found solace in escaping the family home when she was eighteen, and strength when she had left Doug after sixteen years of loving him. She’d been through hell and back more than once, and so had her brother, and it doesn’t feel fair or right to give up now. 

Because that’s how it feels. 

That’s what she wants to do, even for just a brief moment, she wants to give into her heavy eyes and the burning pain that sears through every part of her. But they can’t give up, it’s not the Buckley way. It’s with a cry and a whimper that she tries the door again, wanting to scream but knowing she needs to preserve every bit of life she has left inside of her if she ever wants to see her daughter again. 

She has to fight. They have to fight because suddenly, she's not sure anyone is coming for them. 


	4. 2005-6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of domestic violence; not graphically described, mostly implied. Mentions of injury following this and continued mentions of the aftermath of a car accident.

It’s with a sudden rush of strength that Maddie finds herself shaking her brother awake, pressing both of her hands to either side of his face in a way that forces him to look at her when his eyes finally open. “Evan, listen to me, I-I don’t know if anyone is coming, so we have to fight, okay? You have to fight with me because I don’t want to do this without you.” Tears threaten to fall, her voice wavering slightly before she gently brushes some of the blood from his cheeks, to no avail. “I need my brother, Amelia needs her Uncle, Christopher needs his Buck and Eddie… he needs you two, because you’re both finally done being idiots, okay? So, you can’t leave him now, I won’t let you.” 

It hurts to talk, it hurts to even breathe but she needs to get every word through to him, relief washing over her when the hand he’s able to move presses against her own and he nods his head. He’s tired, he’s weak, she knows exactly how he feels but there’s a new strength in those eyes as he gives her his best attempt of a smile, “Buckley’s for the win, right?” 

“Buckley’s for the win.” She confirms, giving his cheeks a gentle squeeze before she looks behind them, “You need to help me try and get to the back, okay? I-I think my leg is broken but I think I can try and get out through the back, I just need you to give me a push.” She needs to get home to Amelia, she needs to see Chimney again, she needs to bask in all the joy that was their lives now. Their lives post Doug, post parents, post self acceptance. They were happy, she has to resist the urge to let out a bitter laugh at that thought, just as her brother gives her the push she needs to scramble through the two front seats and into the back, trying not to give up on the hope that maybe they can get out this way. Maybe. 

* * *

**2005**

Their apartment is silent for a moment, the two of them staring at each other as her hand presses against the side of her face. Her heart thumps, her entire body shaking as she just  _ looks _ at him. She doesn’t know what to say, she’s not even sure she trusts herself enough to speak and Doug is looking at her as though he’s waiting. A voice in her head is screaming at her to leave, to run out of there as fast as she can and never look back. But where would she go? They’re in Boston, they’ve been in Boston for barely a month, she doesn’t have anyone to run to, anywhere to go. 

Her breathing is heavy and somehow, her body finds the ability to move, even to stumble back just a little once the shock starts to wear off. He’d punched her. Hard. And she can feel the blood dripping down her nose, she can taste it on her lips. Because of him, because he’d  _ hurt _ her. Her sweet, protective, caring boyfriend who always promised her the world had raised his hand to her in the middle of an argument. 

She can’t even remember what it was about anymore, she can’t see anything beyond the burning rage that had been in his eyes when he had screamed at her. When it becomes clear that she’s not going to say anything, he takes a step forward, anger replaced by sadness, tears in his eyes whilst she takes a step back, until her back hits the wall and she’s trapped. “Maddie, baby, babe... “ His voice is soft, cracking until a tear falls down his face and suddenly, the space between them no longer exists as he gently coaxes her hand down from her face and carefully brushes his fingers along the forming mark. It’s such a stark contrast from the way he had touched her just moments before. This time, he looks devastated, his fingers dancing carefully along her bruising skin, his lips carefully replacing them a second later until he pulls back. “You just… you cloud my head, Maddie, I love you so much, I was scared.” 

Maddie gulps, suddenly remembering what they were arguing about in the first place - she had stumbled into their apartment, only slightly tipsy after a few cocktails with her new college friends. She was late home and her phone had died and she hadn’t thought anything of it. “It’s a dangerous world, baby, and you shouldn’t be making a fool out of yourself.” His hand drops to the neckline of her top that he’d claimed was too low-cut, shaking his head with that disappointed look on his face that he seems to wear so often these days. “I just want you to be better, Maddie and I want you to be safe. I was just scared, baby, but you won’t do it again, right?” 

He hasn’t apologised and yet somehow, she finds herself nodding her head anyway. No one has ever loved her like this before, no one has ever cared enough about her to worry about her walking home drunk or her being late, or how people perceived her. Doug was a good man and he loved her so intensely, it must have been her fault. Maddie takes a breath, her bottom lip trembling before she nods her head, “I-I won’t do it again.” 

He smiles before he closes the gap between them one more, so she’s pressed between him and the wall with no room for escape. His eyes are dark, his breathing heavy as his lips part and she wants to push him off, she wants to tell him that she needs a little space, that she needs to check he hasn’t just broken her nose but she kisses him back anyway. And when his hand trails up to press against her neck, as he deepens the kiss, she doesn’t move to pull away or to say anything. 

He loves her. 

* * *

Maddie groans as she tries both doors, before she shakes her head, frustrated tears falling down her face before she looks behind her at her little brother as he scrambles around him for something. “I-I had a hammer, I’m sure I have… it was here… it was here and now it’s gone and I…” 

She can’t panic, because he is and as much as she wants to join in, wondering how much the car had been shaken around in the midst of the accident for  _ everything _ to just… disappear. Her damn phone was nowhere to be seen, neither was the iced coffee she’s almost certain she had been holding in her hand and the tell tale sign of a panic attack is following and she wants nothing more than to just admit defeat, pressing her head against the cool glass to try and spot some sort of clue as to where they are. 

Just trees, they’re surrounded by trees, probably in the middle of nowhere and she can’t even see a headlight or a streetlight or anything beyond the shadows of trees and she’s never hated them so much. “Maddie, Maddie!” 

It’s only the voice of her brother that pulls her from her own thoughts, lifting her head from the glass as she looks at him, not sure she can physically move now that the sudden burst of adrenaline has dissipated, “Give me your shoe.” Her eyes flick over to her feet in confusion, taking in the high heeled boots she had been wearing, a good alternative to a hammer, she supposes. “You can do it, Mads, just reach and I’ll get us out of here.” It looks as though he’s about to burst into tears but he keeps his voice strong, as though he’s removed himself from the situation he’s probably helped so many people in. “Maddie, think of Amelia, think of Chimney, okay? I-I know you’re tired but Buckley’s for the win, remember? Say it with me.” 

“Buckley’s for the win.” She takes a breath, biting down on her lip to repress the scream that wants to fill the otherwise silent care when she leans down enough to try and yank her boot from her foot. “Y-you were m-making fun of these, earlier,” She gasps out, trying to distract herself, “you’ll b-be sorry when they save,” It hurts, she misses the absence of pain she had felt just for a few minutes when the determination had taken over and she’d tried to focus on anything other than the searing pain that seems to reverberate through every part of her body, “... fuck, w-when they… save our lives.” She gets it off, leaning back into the seat as she practically throws it at his outstretched hand.

“You’re right, you’re so right.” He smiles, even if it doesn’t reach his eyes, fingers clasping around her boot, “Will buy you a new pair when we’re out of here, deal?” 

Her eyes struggle to stay open as she nods her head, hand moving to the top of her thigh as though somehow it will stop the pain she’d aggravated through her movements. “Deal.” 

* * *

**2006**

“Deal?” 

Maddie smiles at the sound of her little brother on the other end of the phone, nodding her head although he can’t see her before her eyes flick over to where Doug sits at the dining table, head buried in books. “Deal.” She replies, “You’ll love Boston, I promise.” She doesn’t miss the way her boyfriend tenses at her words, or the way his grip tightens on the pen he’s holding in his hand. 

It’s maybe not something she’d have noticed before, but now her heart clenches, dropping to her stomach, suddenly not wanting to get off the phone to her little brother but knowing the longer she leaves the inevitable argument, the worst it’s going to be. Her eyes glance down at her bandaged wrist that rests in her lap, still feeling the ache of her ribs from their argument a few days before. She hasn’t seen her brother for months and he’d always been asking if he could just spend a week with her in Boston, just the two of them. She doesn’t bring up Doug, she doesn’t mention that it would be three of them because that’s what she wants, too. She just wants to spend time with the fifteen year old, she wants him to see the life she has in Boston now, away from their parents, so he knows it’s possible. 

“But you have to keep up the grades in school, you know what mom and dad are like.” He lets out a huff on the other end and despite her own fear that lingers in the pit of her stomach right then, she laughs. “You know you can do anything you set your mind to, Evan. They just don’t know what you’re capable of.” 

“Promise?” She hates how unsure of himself he sounds, knowing he’s had a hard time since she’d not only left the family home, but the state too. Their parents could be demeaning at the best of times but just because he wasn’t  _ book  _ smart, it made him an easier target when the black and white grades on his report card gave them all the ammunition they needed to feel as though they were being good parents. 

She takes a breath, “I promise, I’m sorry mom called you stupid, it’s not true.” It’s also not the first time she’s said it but she knows he needs to hear it from her right then, “You’re going to be something great away from them, just you wait and see.”

“Like you?” 

Maddie bites down on her bottom lip as it trembles, watching as Doug stands up and looks at her, “Y-yeah, but better. I-I have to go, but I love you to the moon and back.” 

He sighs and she can just imagine him deflating, even though they’ve been on the phone for almost an hour to each other, “To the moon and back.” He mumbles, before the phone goes dead and she slowly stands up, forcing a smile onto her face as she tries to keep her voice light. 

“I know I didn’t ask but… he just needs to get away over the summer break, you know? He just needs some space away from them, you know how parents are as a teenage boy--” She’s only stopped by the feeling of his hand wrapping around her already sprained wrist, pressing down until the world spins around her and she feels as though she can’t breathe. 

“You just never learn, do you, Maddie?”


	5. 2008

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of domestic violence and blood.

**2008**

Maddie takes a breath as she looks at her brother, barely seventeen years old and looking so grown up in his tux. Her fingers tremble as she adjusts his tie, biting down on her lip in an attempt to stop the tears from falling because her makeup is done and she was due to walk down the aisle three minutes ago. “They’re not coming, are they?” She had known, Maddie had always known from the moment they hadn’t responded to the invite and then the lecture she’d received on the other end of the phone when she had asked if they could just turn up for her, just this once. 

She didn’t have anyone else, not really. And the reminder is there when she thinks about how the guest list is taken up by Doug’s friends and his family and she has...just the person standing in front of her. Her seventeen year old brother had to hop on a bus and come to Boston behind their parents back because they weren’t going to let him. But still, she’d hoped they would change their minds. They weren’t close, she had barely spoken to them since she’d left Hershey behind but still, she had wanted her parents there. She had wanted her dad to wrap his arms around her and tell her that he was proud, she wanted her mom to have tears in her eyes and tell her that she looked beautiful. She _wanted_ something normal. 

Evan sighs, a nervous look on his face before he shakes his head, “They’re not coming.” They hate Doug, they had told her that on more than one occasion - he was rude, he thought he was better than everyone else, his father was a dunk, his mother had committed suicide. Excuse after excuse, reason after reason, constantly trying to force Maddie to see the world through their eyes. But she didn’t want to; she loves him, she loves him more than she has ever loved anyone and she wants a good life with him. He’s finished medical school which means life will be a little easier now and they’re moving back to Hershey so he can start a residency programme and life hasn’t been perfect. He hasn’t been perfect. She hasn’t been but… it can be. It will be when she’s wearing that ring on her finger and she’s officially Maddie Kendall. 

Being his wife will make everything better. She doesn’t understand why her parents can’t see him for what he really is - confident in his abilities and in himself, intelligent, caring. It’s their loss; that’s what she tries to convince herself as she looks into the blue, tear-filled eyes of her brother, taking a step back as she looks at her reflection in the nearest mirror instead. She couldn’t let them win, they had spent every day since Daniel had died ignoring her, they couldn’t just decide they had an influence on her life now. They couldn’t pick and choose who she fell in love with. 

Trembling fingers move to the high neckline of the white lace dress that she and Doug had so carefully picked out. He wanted to be involved in every decision from the very start, including picking out the dress and although it wasn’t something she would ever choose for herself, it was… _nice_. The way the material looped around her neck hid the bruising that laid beneath it. But things will be better now, he won’t be as stressed, she won’t be in school anymore either, their world was looking up. 

“I’ll walk you down the aisle, Maddie.” His voice quivers ever so slightly and she turns her head to look at him, holding her breath in an attempt to stop the tears from falling before she wraps both of her arms around his waist and nods her head. He hates Doug just as much as her parents do, if not more but he showed up. He always showed up and that was all she needed. Just a few hours of playing pretend, of accepting that she was living her life for herself and no one else. 

“Thank you.” She whispers, before she lets out a small sigh. She’s late for her own wedding and there will be two empty spaces reminding her of the reason why but it didn’t matter because she had her little brother by her side. He moves away from her to take her hand in his own, the strength of the grip, pulling her from her own thoughts when he dives his head down a little to try and force her to look into her eyes with a serious look in his face. 

“Only if you can tell me right now that this is everything you want. I-I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me that you’re happy, okay?” 

It shouldn’t be as easy to pretend in front of him as it is but she knows he wouldn’t understand if she told him the truth of Doug losing his temper or her making mistakes because it’s not forever. He’s just stressed. Instead, she smiles and looks him in the eyes, “I’m happy, Doug makes me happy.” And it shouldn’t be the truth but it is… Doug is her anchor and she loves him in the kind of way that her heart skips a beat when he smiles at her and she finds it so easy to get lost in his chocolate coloured eyes that can light up when he’s happy. “I really love him, Evan.” 

It’s enough and somehow, she can’t help but wonder how that beautiful, blonde, curly haired child had grown into this kind-hearted, handsome man that is standing in front of her right then. “If you weren’t, you know I’d throw you over my shoulder and get you the hell out of here, right?” She nods, hating how tempting the offer seems whilst she forces the smile to grow a little wider, “We could run away together, just say the word.”

She almost does but instead, she lets out a laugh, “I love him.” 

* * *

The sound of glass smashing is enough to pull her from her thoughts, watching as Buck so desperately tries to lift himself over the steering wheel, struggling through the pain with gritted teeth and muffled screams. It isn’t fair, that’s all she can think of when she’s looking at him, watching him so desperately try to save himself and her, so they can go home to their families. It’s just not fair after everything they had been through, together and alone. 

Maddie can remember him being so lost and alone at twenty years old. She can remember how terrified she had been that the next accident he’d get himself into, he wouldn’t be so lucky. He was killing himself, their parents were killing him and they’ve apologised a thousand times over since but it doesn’t erase the past. It doesn’t stop that pain she had seen in his eyes or the ache that had remained in her chest for years after her wedding day when they couldn’t even show up for one day with fake smiles. They couldn’t give either of their kids just _one_ piece of themselves in the midst of their grief for a child they’d lost. All Maddie and Buck had ever asked for was just… anything. Something. A little bit of attention or declaration of care or love. 

She can remember every postcard she had received when she’d given him a ticket out of Hershey. How lost he still was, how he just couldn’t find a direction, going around in circles as she wondered if she had done the right thing. And then he’d found the 118 and the pieces slowly started to fit together. He found a job he loved, a family, self-acceptance, joy and love. So much love. And if they didn’t get out of the car, if they didn’t make it home the way she knows they both so long for, she doesn’t know where all that joy will go.

Maybe that’s what hurts the most; knowing how often she’d thought death would be the kindest option and now it seems the cruellest. She has a daughter and a man who loves her in the right way, in a _good_ way and she wants to go home. She wants Chimney to wrap his arms around her and make her feel safe again. She wants Buck to be able to see Eddie and Christopher again, she wants him to smile the way he does when he’s around them, she wants to get back what they had barely hours before. 

“Buck,” He stops in his struggle to get out of the car, both of them knowing it was to no avail, he’s stuck and Maddie can already feel her body giving up whatever fight it had through the excruciating pain that seems to be pulsating through every part of her body right then. There’s already so much blood down her brother’s arm, he can’t move his leg from beneath the steering wheel, his arm… they’d _tried_ and that would be enough to bring comfort to the people who loved them most, she hopes. If they don’t come for them in time. “I-I love you.” If it’s the last thing she ever says to him, she’s fine with that. 

* * *

**2008**

The wedding is just as beautiful as she had always imagined her wedding day to be. It’s perfect in every single way possible and she tries not to think about the lingering anger in Doug’s eyes when she’d walked down the aisle ten minutes after the ceremony was meant to begin. She barely sees her brother, Doug’s arm a permanent feature around her waist throughout the day and then the evening and as they walk into their hotel room, her heart already feels as though it’s beating so hard and so fast, it’ll come flying from her chest. 

It’s their wedding night, she reasons, internally, she’s meant to be nervous, it’s a big step. She’s twenty five and married to the man of her dreams, about to start a whole new life with him. It’s the first day of the rest of her life, it’s normal to be nervous. 

Maddie tries not to let herself think about the darkness in his eyes when she’d tipsily hit her champagne glass against his during the speeches. She tries not to think about the tight grip he’d had on her arm once they’d sat down or the feeling of his nails digging into her wrist as she kept watching his eyes flick to the smallest of chips she’d caused in the glass. They were one of the last things he had left of his mother, it made sense that he’d be distracted momentarily. 

She glances down at the crescent shaped marks left behind on her wrist, at the yellowing bruise already starting to form after hours of laughter and dancing. It was their wedding night, she didn’t want it to be destroyed by a mistake she had made. It’s with every ounce of bravery within her that she steps forward and takes his left hand in hers, running her fingers over the wedding band in the hopes it would remind him that today was meant to be about their love, it was meant to be a happy day. A day they could look back on and remember all the people around them celebrating their love for each other. 

“I’m just… aren’t you tired of disappointing me, Maddie? Because I am.” She knows what’s coming before it does, stumbling back as a form of self-preservation, watching as his left hand drops, for his right hand to rise. 

Maddie can’t stop herself from thinking about how brides usually spend the night making love to the person they’ve just agreed to spend the rest of their lives with, a pit of jealousy within her. She spends her wedding night curled up in the cool bathroom tiles of their hotel bathroom, the door locked as her husband sleeps comfortably in the bed meant for the happy couple. 

She wishes she had run away with her brother when she’d had the chance. 

* * *

“Why are you… why are you saying it like a goodbye, Maddie? We aren’t… we aren’t _there_ yet, okay? We aren’t… the 118 is a family, they’d never leave us behind, okay? We just gotta wait, it’ll be okay.” He’s trying to hide the tears in his voice, trying to be the strong one as his hand blindly reaches out behind him to touch any part of her body, trying to force her to open her eyes to look at him. “I’m not gonna say it back, I don’t want you to think I’m giving you permission to give up.” 

Maddie smiles, although she doesn’t look at him, “Do you think we’d be as happy as we have been, if we’d run away when you were seventeen?” She knows he’ll remember the conversation as well as she had, wondering if he’d gone over it in his head, too. About how different things could have been - would they have even ended up in LA? Would they be happier?

He doesn’t reply for a minute, forcing her to open just one eye to make sure he’s still with her, seeing the nervous look on his face as he cranes his neck to look at her. “I think it’s easy to get caught up in the past and wonder what could have been. Our lives would have been different, m-maybe,” He lets out a gasp, enough to force the other eye open as she sees the intense pain on his face, scrunched up and reddening before he tries to shake it off, “I-I think we are right where we should be. With Chimney and Melly, Eddie, Christopher… our family.” 

“I don’t want to leave them.” She whimpers, unable to stop her eyes from closing again as the tears fall, moving one trembling hand to the other to press against her engagement ring, daring herself to imagine the kind of wedding day and wedding night Chimney would have wanted for her, for both of them. 

“Me neither, Maddie, me neither.” 


	6. 2011-12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of injury, domestic violence.

**2011**

Work is the one place she can escape, where she feels as though she can be herself. Putting on her scrubs every shift is kind of like a costume, something she can put on and be just Maddie the nurse. Maddie who  _ gives _ care instead of needing it or lacks it. Behind closed doors, it just feels as though she’s constantly walking on eggshells, waiting for the next thing she does or says that will send everything spiralling so far out of her own control. 

Really, work feels more like home than her actual home does. It’s safe, there is no doubt over every move she makes because she knows what she’s doing. She’s good at what she does and as unpredictable as patients can be, she doesn’t fear them. Life at home is similar to stepping into the unknown. She could go home to a loving husband, with a gentle touch and kind words. She could go home to anger, to a burning rage in his eyes and a clenched fist. Or he could easily jump from one to the other without a single warning. 

Being in the hospital was the closest to comfort she had and she hates herself for feeling some sort of gratitude towards her husband for  _ allowing _ her to go to work. For giving her that freedom as though it was earned through him rather than every hour she had put into college and into nursing school. 

At work, she could be someone else until she’s staring into the eyes of one of her closest colleagues, trying to focus on her breathing before she gulps down the lump in her throat. “It’s not what it looks like.” She tries, knowing it’s to no avail because Omar is a nurse, too and he’s seen it all before. There’s a horrific panic that burns her chest, not even because he’s just walked into an empty room she had been using to bandage up her own wounds from the night before but because he knows her husband. Or at least, he knows  _ of _ him and he’s seen him a few times. If he says something, if he makes it obvious that he knows something, Doug could take all of this away from her. And she hates that she knows that he has that kind of power over her. 

“Do you need help?” There’s no judgement in his eyes and a part of her wonders if he knows, trying not to think of their colleagues gossiping about some of the bruising she had no choice to come to work with. The kind that couldn’t be hidden by clothes or heavy make-up. It’s not often, but it seems to be happening more and more, the intensity and the frequency growing with each passing year, even  _ month.  _ The higher he starts moving up the chain, the more success he has, it seems as though the more she suffers. 

Maddie wants to say no, biting down on her trembling lip as she just stares at him for a second, wondering if she can trust him. She hasn’t known him long, just a few years since they’d moved back to Hershey but he’s kind and he’s good. But she had also thought that about Doug once and she hates that he’s stolen her trust from her whilst Omar steps forward to take the antiseptic wipe from her hand, gently turning her around to wipe at the wound on her back she had been trying to get to. 

He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t ask her how it happened, or how long it had been. Just carefully nurses the cuts and wraps her sprained wrist, a frown on his face when he looks at the bruising around her neck before he takes a breath and a step back. “You come to me when you need help, okay? No judgement.” 

He’s the first person in the world who  _ knows _ for certain, confirmed only by the nod of her head and the smallest smile she can muster. It makes sense that her safe place would provide her with a safe person and she’s never felt more gratitude than she does in that moment. 

* * *

Sirens.

The sound of someone screaming her name. She’d know that voice anywhere, the terror deep within it enough to force her to open her eyes. 

Flashing lights. 

And then she sees his face, closing her eyes just for a second before she forces them back open, making sure it wasn’t just her mind playing cruel tricks on her. She doesn’t know how long it’s been, though looking at him, it feels like weeks since he’d last held her in his arms. He’s somehow aged since the last time she had seen him but he’s here and there’s a smile on his face before he turns his head to shout behind him. Help has arrived and she can feel her brother’s hand twitching in her own which means, although he hasn’t opened his eyes, he’s aware of what’s going on around him. 

He’s alive. They’re both alive. They made it and their family had come for them, just like she had always known they would. Despite the pain, she smiles, squeezing Buck’s hand as her eyes fall to a close again and this time, the darkness isn’t so welcome because she can hear the man she’s going to marry crying her name and she wants to say something. She wants to tell him she loves him, she wants to feel his arms around her, his lips against her own. She wants her daughter’s slobbery kisses and her chubby little arms that always wrap too tightly around her neck with her eagerness. 

The last thing she hears is Eddie crying out for Buck, and the last thing she feels is Buck’s hand squeezing hers back and she wishes she could see his smile when he realises help is there in the form of the people they love. 

* * *

**2012**

The Pocono mountains are beautiful and Maddie couldn’t imagine spending their fourth wedding anniversary anywhere more scenic. The cabin is secluded and she basks in the silence as she sits on their balcony, hands wrapped around a warm mug of hot chocolate, feeling the gentle breeze of the night air against her face. It had started as a nice long weekend away, without the pressure of work.

The flinch is involuntary when he comes up behind her, both of his hands pressed into her shoulders, feeling the splash of the hot liquid against her hands as she gulps down the lump in her throat. The tears burn her eyes already and he hasn’t even said or done anything but the evening has been hell and for just a second, she had allowed herself to imagine she was somewhere else. Looking out into the night sky, enjoying the silence, imagining that she was alone and she wasn’t trying to avoid walking back inside that cabin to what hell she knew would be waiting for her. 

Turns out the one thing she had been avoiding had decided to come to her. 

What had been a weekend of laughter, dancing, making love, softly spoken words had so quickly turned into something else. It so often did, she shouldn’t be surprised, she supposes after four years of marriage and ten years of loving him. She had just wanted a peaceful weekend away with the version of her husband that she still clung to, the part of him that she loved, the part of him that made her feel loved and safe. 

“Why don’t you come back inside?” 

The cabin still smells of smoke and her heart starts to beat a little faster at the thought of taking another step inside. The smell reminds her of walking back inside after the firefighters had left and he’d slammed her against the closed door. Her head still pounds, she thinks he may have broken some ribs and her face aches with the memory of his clenched fists. “Just five more minutes.” She whispers, clenching her eyes tightly shut when his hands inch a little closer to her neck, fingers digging into her shoulder blades in that warning way that makes her feel as though she’s either about to pass out or vomit. Or both. 

He takes a breath and her eyes close as she imagines she’s anywhere else. She’s back in the hospital, back in her safe place, she’s anywhere other than in the middle of nowhere with the one man in the world who should love her more than anything. “It’s cold out here, why don’t you come sit by the fire with me?” The words sound caring, but they’re enough to leave her body trembling, her eyes snapping open as he carefully leans forward to set her mug on the table. 

“Why don’t we go to bed instead?” She tries, reaching back to press a hand against one of his as they settle on either side of her neck, already knowing what’s about to come before it does. “W-we could… we could…” The words die on her lips, not sure she can even stand the idea of him touching her in anyway at all, even if it’ll save her a little more pain. Instead, his hands start to tighten and she lets out a sigh, “I’ll be there in just a second.” He lets go, and she hears him step back as she opens her eyes and looks out at the night sky, considering for just a second that maybe it would be less painful if she just jumped off the balcony and accepted whatever fate came with that. 

Instead, she stands with a sigh, looking up at the stars and wondering when life had gotten so complicated before she walks back inside and looks at her husband. “I love you.” She tries, knowing it’s useless when he steps forward with a disappointed look in his eyes and a shake of his head as though she’s done something, although she never really knows what. The smell of smoke still lingers, a reminder of when everything had changed. 

* * *

A hand is pressed against her forehead and another in her hand whilst lips press against her knuckles when she wakes up. Her eyes open slowly, met with the bright lights of the inside of an ambulance, before she focuses on the face of the man who had only ever shown her love and care. There was a time when she had never thought it possible, not to love someone in the way she loves Chimney or to be loved in the way he loves her. Being a mother had always been what she had wanted but the thought of bringing a child into her volatile relationship was too terrifying. Work had been her only escape and then the thought of perhaps being trapped at home more had forced her to give up on those dreams of being a mother that she had once had. Until she had met Chimney and then her entire world had changed and everything she had thought she had lost forever, came back. 

“You found us.” She whispers, smiling at him, her eyes feeling heavy again but so wanting to bask in the way he’s looking at her. Maddie can remember so many times in her life when she had wanted to give up, times when death had seemed like the kinder option, or the better option. She had fought hard to live before, but she had wanted nothing more than to see her daughter and Chimney again. 

There’s guilt in his eyes, whilst he nods his head, “I’m sorry it took us so long. I-I wish I had known something wasn’t right earlier…” He’s so good, too good sometimes, he can carry the weight of the world on his shoulders, pulling her hand from his to rest gently on his cheek as she forces her eyes to focus on him no matter how much it hurts. 

“You came.”

He leans down to press a kiss to her lips, and she feels his tears against her cheek before he pulls back, “I always will.” 

* * *

**2012**

Evan is gone, he’s finally free of their parents, free of Hershey, free of everything that has been holding him back. She hates that he’s angry at her, although, part of her feels as though it might be for the best. Doug had made it clear what would happen if she tried to leave; his anger over her just giving away her jeep only intensified when he’d found her throwing some clothes into a suitcase when she had thought he had gone to work. 

She had honestly thought he was going to kill her, and it wasn’t the first time she had just longed for it to be over. She wouldn’t turn up at the hospital when Evan expected her to, he’d leave without her, he’d have a good life. Maybe he would have a better chance than she had at finding his own family, people who deserved him, people who could love him the way he deserved to be loved and not the mixed signals they had gotten from their own parents. 

He was always her biggest worry, dreading that day she got the phone call that he had taken his stunts too far. Memories of patching him up, watching him only get attention when he was bed ridden and in pain always cross her mind. He’s twenty one and the motorcycle crash had been the last straw. She had given him the jeep and the money as a ticket to freedom from the crushing belief they both had shared that yelling could be love and any attention as good attention. She hadn’t realised he would offer her a ticket, too, to drive right alongside him, just the two of them, the way it should have been. 

Doug would never let her leave, she should have known, even as her own excitement had started to build and she couldn’t sleep that night in the overwhelming joy she had felt that she could  _ escape _ . She could be with her little brother and they could start again, maybe they could both start to breathe… maybe they could live a life surrounded with love instead of trepidation and fear of the unknown. 

But he was gone and she was still in Hershey, stepping into the home she shared with a man who would never let her go. “Did you get your car back?” It’s the first thing he asks her the moment she steps into the kitchen, watching as he stands there with a vase of flowers, her favourite takeout and a smile on his face as though he hadn’t just almost killed her in the early hours of that morning. 

“I-I was too late, he was gone.” 

His eyes flash, for a second, at the cast on her arm, hung in a sling before he steps forward and presses his lips next to the cut on her forehead. And when his hand moves towards her face, she turns her head to the side, fearing what’s to come before his fingers gently graze along the bruising he had left behind and around the abrasions he had caused in his fit of rage. She couldn’t leave, she was stuck, but her brother was free and that’s enough to give her some sense of relief. “Okay,” He finally settles on, a smile that never reaches his eyes plastered on his face, “he’s gone. That’s all that matters, right? It’s just me and you now, the way it should be.” 

The threat remains, whilst unspoken right then, but she still remembers his words from the night before. He’d no longer just kill her, but if she dared to leave with her brother and if he ever saw him again, he’d kill him, too. But Evan was gone, he was free and Doug could never lay a hand on him. 

“I love you.” She whispers, the only answer she can think of that makes him drop his hand from her cheek to walk back over to the vase that he pushes towards her as though somehow, a bouquet of her favourite flowers will make her forget. Their eyes meet and she forces herself to smile, “They are beautiful.” 

“Just like you.” 


	7. 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of a miscarriage (non graphic), domestic violence and injury.

**2015**

Maddie rests a hand on her stomach as she leans against the tiled wall, letting the water wash over her before she slides down, closing her eyes the moment her body hits the bottom of the tub. The door is locked, Doug is fast asleep on the other side, and that thought is enough for her to clasp her hand over her mouth in an attempt to cover up the sound of her sobs.

Every part of her aches, opening her eyes to look at the blood being washed away; it’s for the best. That’s what she tries to tell herself over and over again, it was what she had told herself the very first time her husband had delivered a kick to her stomach. She had known that the news that she was pregnant wouldn’t be a happy occasion, she had seen that look in his eyes the moment she had put the pregnancy test on the kitchen counter between them. Maybe there was a part of her that clung onto some hope that life could be good and it could be kind, that  _ Doug _ could be good and kind, that he could be the man she had once thought he was. The man who had talked about marriage and four kids and a puppy, white picket fences and no deep, dark family secrets. 

Her entire life was now one deep, dark family secret, only this time around, she was thirty-two years old and a Kendall. She was no longer that nine year old girl wanting her parents to love her again. Why did life have to be so hard? Why did it have to hurt so much? She feels as though she’s been living in perpetual darkness from the moment Daniel had died, maybe even before that. It’s been over twenty years since then, and as she sits there, staring at her bruised, bleeding and scarred skin from years of abuse at the hands of the man who had promised to love her, she wonders how much more she can mentally and physically take. 

The baby was gone,  _ their  _ baby was gone and she knows that she shouldn’t feel guilt over the relief she feels because it was for the best. Doug had made it clear that it would only ever be the two of them… they’d live together, grow old together and die together. He’d said it enough times that she can hear those words over and over again as though he’s standing right in front of her. 

Despite how much pain it causes her, she brings her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them as her eyes fall to a close. The water is cold but somehow it’s still warmer than the thought of crawling into bed into his arms. She hates him. She longs for something better, a life away from him, a life where she doesn’t have to cling to the words her brother writes to her, as though she doesn’t wish every single day that she had just gone with him.

It’s too late for her, she’s stuck but it's not too late for him.

* * *

It’s a struggle to open her eyes, her entire body feeling heavy, her head spinning but she can hear Chimney whispering and she needs to know if her brother is okay. She has flashes of memory of being pulled from the car whilst Eddie spoke to Buck and told him everything would be okay, then she was in the ambulance and it was just her and Chimney and still, he hadn’t mentioned her brother and she couldn’t ask before she was pulled into the comfort of unconsciousness one more. And then every time she had woken up since, for a fleeting moment here and there, she’d only ever seen Chimney or Hen, sometimes Bobby and every single time, when she’d tried to ask the question, the words would never come or the answer was never uttered. She’d be pulled straight back into the depths of a life she’d rather forget. 

“Buck.” Her voice barely sounds like her own but it’s enough to get her fiance to quickly move towards her, taking her hand in his own. He looks as though he’s about to burst into tears, he hasn’t said a single word. He looks exhausted, more so than she’s ever seen him before. He’s not speaking, and that is enough to make her own head to start to spin with all the possibilities. He couldn’t be dead, he had squeezed her hand, she was sure that she had seen him smile 

Yet, Chimney looks as though he’s about to throw up, eyes darting from her face to whoever else is in the room with them whilst she tries to focus on him. It’s to no avail though, her head is already pounding with the intensity of which she’s forcing her eyes to stay open. 

“Maddie…” 

His voice sounds raw, as though he’d been crying for hours, his hand holding hers tightly but she can’t fight anymore. Maybe it’s self-preservation, maybe she doesn’t want to hear whatever is about to fall from the lips of the man she loves but her eyes close and she can’t feel his hand in her own anymore as her world goes dark and at least, the pain stops. 

* * *

**2015**

Maddie stares down at her phone as it rings, flashing up with her brother’s name, flinching the moment she feels her husband’s hand on her lower back, “Aren’t you going to answer it?” She knows it’s a test, gulping down the lump in her throat; calls with her brother had become infrequent. He was moving from one place to the other and there was just something… magical or hopeful about the postcards he would send her. Seeing his words written, being able to touch something he had touched… they meant the world to her. 

She’d reply to some in an email but every word just felt like a lie. They’d avoid the subject of Doug, he had been this wall between them from the moment she had met him. And really, the moment her home life was taken away, all she had was work. There was nothing else, she had nothing other than work and her marriage, she had no one other than Doug. And each conversation, every word she wrote or uttered to Evan was just one step closer to dragging him into the mess she called her life. 

When she shakes her head, Doug wraps an arm around her waist, pressing a kiss to the finger shaped bruise on her neck and she can practically feel the satisfaction seeping from him. It’s everything he’s ever wanted - to come between her and her little brother. Evan was the one and only person in the world she’d ever have to go running to and with him out of the picture, it truly could be the two of them. Just the way he had always wanted and Maddie was too exhausted to fight anymore. It had been too long, she’d loved him for thirteen years, her entire adult life had been consumed by everything that was Doug Kendall and she couldn’t see a way out. 

But Evan had a chance to live, to breathe, to forget about her, so maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much when she was gone. Because she knows exactly how her story ends, she can feel it in the way his fingers dig into her broken rib as he pulls her a little closer when her phone flashes up again, squeezing her eyes tightly closed before he pulls her into his body. “Are you sure you don’t want to answer, Maddie?” There’s an underlying dangerous tone to his voice, the danger extenuated by the slight graze of his teeth along her bruised neck, her throat sore, her heart heavy. 

“I have everything I need.” She finally manages to get out, repeating his words from when he’d picked her up off their bathroom floor when he’d finally managed to pry the door open, a few days before. She’d been cold, wet and in pain as he’d carried her to their bed and promised her that it was for the best. That they were never meant to be parents, they weren’t made for a life of  _ three _ . It would always be the two of them, he didn’t want to share her. And she most definitely did not want him to be shared with another person. No one else deserved that, especially not an innocent person who never would have asked to be born into all of that. Still, she mourns the little piece of herself that she never had, she mourns the loss of the teenage version of herself who so longed to be a mother one day. It just wasn’t meant to be. 

Her words, at least, are enough to get his grip to loosen, as she grabs her phone with trembling hands and moves to pull up her contact list. Maddie can barely see through tear filled eyes, feeling as though she’s about to throw up just at the thought of blocking the one person she had always promised to be there for. But she does it, and she tells herself this is for the best, too, so he can have a good life with no reason to ever come back to Hershey. And when she died, no longer  _ if,  _ but when Doug killed her, maybe Evan’s anger at her would make it easier. She never wanted him to suffer half of what she had when Daniel had died, she never wanted him to hurt. 

It’s with a deep breath that she sets her phone back down on the side, tilting her head back to force a smile on her face, just looking at the man she hates so much, “I love you.” She says out loud, thinking of her brother and how she would do anything for him, even if he’d never realise that this was for the best. 

“I love you, too.” She wishes she could believe him, she longs to be loved more than anything but all she sees is that dark satisfaction in his eyes and all she feels is the tight grip his hands have on her hips and she realises, not for the first time, just how much he’s stolen from her. 

* * *

When she wakes again, her head doesn’t feel as heavy, her eyes don’t seem to struggle as much as they had been as she looks at the man asleep on the chair next to her bed. She doesn’t want to wake him but she needs to know if her brother is okay, she needs to know if he made it through because she doesn’t know how to do any of this without him. She had been protecting him from the moment he was born, promising Daniel that she would love him enough for the two of them, that she would make sure that Evan grew up to be happy, and kind and strong. All of the things he was and there were so many things he had yet to accomplish, so many lives he had to save, so many people who loved him. 

She moves, only slightly, shifting in the bed, but it’s enough to draw the attention of the person in the room she hadn’t even noticed, “Hen?” The woman smiles at her but doesn’t say a word, and Maddie can tell she’s barely slept, as she presses a gentle hand to her forehead. “My brother… i-is he…” 

Her throat is raw, her heart aching at her suspicions being confirmed, looking into Hen’s eyes and knowing she’s probably not the one who wants to tell her if it’s true. She glances over at a still sleeping Chimney, and Maddie shakes her head, she doesn’t know how much longer she’s going to be awake and if Buck is gone, she needs to know. Memories of that little blonde haired, blue eyed boy who had brought her so much joy floods her mind, tears already falling before the woman can speak. 

The silence, to Maddie, says it all, but Hen is quick to shake her head, clearly trying to find the words before she takes a breath. “You’ve been in and out of consciousness for a few days,” She starts, frowning, “Buck is… fighting. He’s still fighting, he had to have surgery, more than one... so did you…” She gestures towards her leg but Maddie can’t look, too fixated on the thought that her brother is alive. He’s still breathing and that’s all she needs to know - the thought of losing him after thirty years of loving him was… terrifying. The thought of losing a second brother… “You’re going to be okay, both of you are. It’s gonna take time.” The tone of the woman’s voice makes it feel as though she’s said all of this before and Maddie wonders how many times she has forgotten asking and forgotten being told. 

“He’s alive?” 

Hen sniffs, nodding her head, “You both are but you need to rest.” 

Her head tilts over to a sleeping Chimney, slamming her eyes tightly shut before she takes a breath, trying to ignore the wave of nausea that rushes through her, “H-how many times have I forgotten?” 

“It doesn’t matter, you’re still recovering but this is the longest you’ve been awake since they brought you in. It’s going to be okay, Maddie.” She can feel a hand carefully moving through the ends of her hair as her eyes fall to a close once more, trying to take comfort in the fact that despite it all, they could still have the good life they had been living for the past few years. That she could see and hold her daughter again and that Buck would get to grow with his new family. She doesn’t think the pain will ever stop until she holds him, until she apologises for cutting him out all those years ago, until… until they can both lead the good life she had so longed for him to have once. 

Maybe everything could be okay. 


	8. 2017-18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of Doug Kendall, domestic violence, injury following a car accident.

**2017**

The Christmas card weighs heavy in her pocket, trembling hands moving to pull it out before she stares at the smiling face of her little brother. It had been dangerous, bringing it home, hiding it behind the other cards in the hopes he wouldn’t notice. Evan - Buck, he preferred to be called Buck now, she remembers from his postcards - was all she had in the world. Her one shining light, a hope filled anchor that somehow kept her grounded in this world. 

The house is dark, she sits there alone, on their bedroom floor, overwhelming relief rushing through her when she hears the door closing and then the sound of a car engine just a moment later. He’d been called into work because of an emergency, Christmas was over and the closest thing she’s gotten to peace is at three in the morning, basking in the calm after the storm. It was easy to let her imagination run wild, a perfect distraction from the pain pulsating through her right then. She had a few hours, at least, just to be by herself, a few hours to think about anything other than the fact she probably needed to go to a hospital. 

Fingers slowly brush against the bruising of her neck, shifting back a little so she can rest against the nearest wall, letting her eyes fall to the Christmas card once more in an attempt to calm her thumping heart down. It’s just one card, with a few words, the postcards soon dying off after he’d settled in LA. _I miss you._ She gulps as she opens the card, letting blood covered fingers brush over the words he’d written as she does her best to hold back her tears. This was all she had left of him, the only glimpse into his life she had and he looks so good. He looks so at home, at peace… he’d found the things that made him happy, the people who could make him feel loved and that was enough for her. It was all she had ever wanted for him. 

At one point, it was what she had wanted for herself, too. 

Maddie takes a breath, pressing the card against her chest when a sob falls from her lips, bringing her knees to the chest regardless of the intense pain the movement causes. She imagines a life if Daniel had lived as her eyes close, she imagines her parents smiling and laughing, watching their three kids happily running around the house. She imagines Daniel being the amazing big brother he’d always wanted to be, always being there to catch Evan if he fell. She imagines a life without her mother crying, without her parents shouting at her, or Evan or at each other. A childhood without anger and resentment, without the death of an eight year old boy who deserved so much more. 

He’d have grown up to be a good man, maybe even a police officer, just as he’d always talked about or a doctor, as he so often said towards the end. Maybe Daniel being alive would have changed the course of their entire lives. Her parents would have loved her, Evan never would have grown up thinking that hurting himself was the only way to get attention. She wouldn’t have been so desperate to get away from them, so willing to accept love and attention from the first person who ever showed her an ounce of care. Before he’d died, Daniel had talked of travelling the world; maybe they could have done that together. Maybe there was a version of herself out there that never knew the loss of a little brother, a little girl who never felt as though she had lost both of her parents that day, too. A girl who grew into a teenager who never had to bring up her baby brother and who felt loved and accepted by the two people who should have made her feel that way. 

And maybe that teenager would have grown into a woman who didn’t meet Doug. Who didn’t think that his constant phone calls and texts and intrusions into her life and into the lives of her family were _good._ And maybe that woman could have been happy, she could have been loved in a different way. _Maybe._

Her eyes open, knowing that woman doesn’t exist, that Daniel had died, that the parents that she knew and loved had died with him and that her baby brother would never know what kind of childhood he could have had. Her baby brother could never know that he’d never have existed if Daniel had never gotten sick in the first place. Maddie glances around the room, lit only by the moon shining through the window, staring at the mess Doug had left behind in the midst of his anger. 

The carrots had been overdone. 

She’d burnt the cookies that he had insisted she make because it was a tradition in the Kendall household. His mom would make cookies on Christmas day, her own special recipe and Maddie had let him down. Again. She didn’t dare utter a word that the only reason she had burnt them in the first place was because she was trying to pick up the shards of glass he had thrown at her for the carrot incident. 

Maddie had ruined Christmas, she’d try again next year, she’d do better next time, he promised. It just wasn’t good enough because nothing ever would be. The year before it had been the turkey, the year before that she’d bought the wrong kind of wine, the year before that… it all started to mould into one memory of just constantly never doing it right. Christmas with her husband made her miss Christmas at the Buckley household after her brother died; just her and Evan, a few gifts from her parents and a quiet house. Peace, that was all she craved right then. A life away from Doug, away from the perpetual pain and everlasting exhaustion that tore through her body every single day. 

She has to leave. 

She doesn’t know how, she doesn’t know when, she’d tried before and failed. But she has to leave, even if only to say goodbye to Evan, to see him one last time, to make sure that he remembers that no matter what, she always wanted him. She always loved him. She needs to run. 

* * *

Eddie’s voice is the first she recognises when she opens her eyes again, blinking through the light of her hospital room as she tries to decipher which direction the voice is coming from. Luckily, he’s by her bedside, a stoic look on his face whilst his eyes give him away, full of unspoken emotion as he forces a smile. It’s fear that she feels first because why would he be in her room if her brother was okay? If he was still alive… there would be no reason for Eddie to leave him alone when she had Chimney. 

He must know because he’s shaking his head, “He’s fine. Well… not fine. They uh, had to rush him back into surgery, he was bleeding internally but uh… they were hopeful. They think they caught it in time and we both know that it’s Buck, so he’ll fight his way through.” She wishes his eyes looked as confident as his voice sounded, watching them look everywhere but at her face before he finally looks back down at her. “Chimney’s just gone to spend some time with Amelia, he hasn’t left your bedside since you were brought in a few days ago. Buck hasn’t woken up yet but I know this is where he’d want me to be if I could.” 

Maddie’s head still feels fuzzy and the days seem to be melting into each other and she doesn’t dare ask if she and Eddie have had this conversation before, just in case she doesn’t want to hear the answer. She doesn’t know him well enough to know how to comfort him, or even if he’d want an ounce of comfort from her especially when she can barely keep her eyes focused on him. He doesn’t seem the type to ramble but the room is otherwise silent, until she hears another voice next to him, looking at Christopher through blurred vision as she tries to smile. 

“Buck’s had more surgeries than me now.” 

The little boy who meant the absolute world to her brother, the one person in the world who had ended up bringing Eddie and Buck together in the end by just being the only one brave enough to say anything. She’d been too afraid that her little brother’s heart would get broken, not knowing Eddie well enough, which she makes a mental note to change once she gets out of the hospital because if this was the man who loved her brother, she needed to know him. 

“Don’t you try to catch him up,” She warns the young boy, trying her best to smile at him but she can already feel her eyes starting to close once more, pulling her back to a world she doesn’t want a part of her anymore, “can you wake me up when he’s out of surgery?” This time, she forces her eyes to stay open just to look at Eddie, who nods his head, a determined look on his face. 

“He’s going to be okay.” She doesn’t know if he’s telling her or himself, but her eyes close and she repeats the words in her own head because he has to be. Being a big sister was the first thing she had ever loved being. Being a big sister to two dead brothers just… didn’t feel right and it didn’t feel fair to live in a world where Daniel never got to grow up and Buck never got to have his chance at love. He’s going to be okay, it’s all she has to hold onto. 

* * *

**2018**

The plan has been months in the making; Maddie can remember stumbling into work a few days after Christmas, unable to withstand the pain any longer. She’d clumsily explained that she was going to leave to Omar as he helped her as best he could and he had promised her that he would do everything in his power to make sure that she wasn’t just talking about it but that she would finally leave. Even if it meant losing her as a colleague and as a friend, there was nothing he wanted more than for her to be as far away from Doug as she possibly could. 

He understood how terrified she was, how living with Doug sometimes felt easier than running and living in fear until the day he killed her. It took so long to realise that she was living in fear every single day of just going home, that it was the unknown that she was most scared of. At least when she walks out of that hospital, she _knows_ she’s going home to him but if she leaves Hershey, she doesn’t know when or if he’ll find her. She doesn’t know what he’ll do when he does. It’s that… immense pressure of wanting to live but wanting to feel as though she can breathe, too. Maddie doesn't think she’ll ever have both. 

Laurie, her boss, is the second person she’d ever told about her husband because she had to. She needed someone to hide some money for her, she needed Laurie to give her more shifts, more excuses to be out of that place she was meant to call home. The four walls that were meant to be her safe place but were more her own personal hell. She’d fallen out of love with Doug a long time ago but recently, as the time came to finally leave him, she could feel a burning hatred for the man. For the life he had stolen from her, from the light he had diminished within her, for the person she could have been, for the kind of love she should have had. She hated him with every part of her being but she had loved him once and that piece of her makes her hate herself, too. 

If she wants just one small chance to see her brother, she has to leave. Doug had always promised her if she left he’d kill her and he’d come so close six years ago. Really, he’d come close several times before and since and maybe one day she wouldn’t get so lucky. Even if it never felt _lucky._ Every day spent with him was one day closer to freedom, dead or alive, it was just one day closer to being without him. Still, it’s the hardest thing she’s ever done. Six months of careful planning, of saving, of hiding everything that means anything to her. It would be worth it, she thinks, if only for a few days, even a few hours, of knowing that Evan had made it when she hadn’t. 

The Buckley siblings had been a three once, if he was going to be the only one left, she needed to know he was happy. That was all that mattered, that was everything she had ever wanted when she had given him that money and those keys. For him to live, to be free, to be loved, to love, to be happy… to be… _Buck._ He wasn’t Evan anymore, he was someone else, hopefully someone with hope for the future, so unlike what he had been like when she had seen him last and made the decision that he had to leave. 

He is all she thinks about as she packs away every single postcard, Christmas card and Birthday card he had ever sent her. She doesn’t have much, nothing of any monetary value, it all belongs to Doug but she has her brother. It’s not as though she needs much - her entire life fits into two small suitcases, hidden in her bosses office, awaiting the day that Doug leaves for a medical conference and by the time he gets back, she’s on a ‘training course’. It buys her five days, that was the plan. Five days of space between her and Doug because the more time, the more chance she had. 

The day comes and it’s hard to feel settled, waiting for Doug to change his mind about going away for a few days, waiting for him to realise what’s going on. She’s on edge and it feels as though she might have to live that way for however long the rest of her life is but it’s worth it. Her brother is worth it and maybe… maybe Buck could forgive her if he knows that she had tried to leave. There’s probably a hundred reasons she should leave, and only one reason she should stay but that one thing could end up coming true no matter what so, maybe all she needs is a chance. 

Two thousand and six hundred miles still doesn’t seem like enough space between her and Doug but she has to try. And when she gets in her car and she starts to drive, every mile she puts between her and the place she was supposed to call home, she starts to feel a newfound fight within her.

A hundred miles. She’s exhausted, her ribs hurt from where he’d kicked her two days ago. It still hurts to swallow from when he’d pressed down on her throat so hard, she’d honestly thought he was going to kill her just days before she was meant to leave. But despite it all, a lingering excitement starts to burn within her. 

Five hundred miles. She stops in Indiana and just takes a deep breath the moment she steps out of the car. She’d left Hershey behind close to ten hours ago and it’s the closest thing to freedom she has felt since she was nineteen years old and falling into the arms of the man she thought would love her in a way that would somehow make up for everything her parents had done or not done. Somehow, she feels hope for the first time, a true, beautiful kind of hope that she can do this. Maddie had planned for six months and there’s still over two thousand miles to go but she can do it. She can get there. 

One thousand three hundred miles. It’s been twenty hours and she wonders if maybe he’s already getting suspicious. She’d gotten a new number, one that only Omar and Laurie had which means if Doug does message or ring her, she won’t answer. Maddie knows his pattern better than anyone though - he’ll think he’s giving her space to think about what _she’s_ done to have caused the argument they’d had the night before he had to leave. He’ll say he’s considerate whilst simultaneously being too busy to check on his wife. After sixteen years he thinks she’ll stay. After so long, even if she leaves, he thinks she’ll come back. But when she’s in Oklahoma, and she’s over halfway to her destination, it’s the first time she smiles. Genuinely smiles as she looks at that Christmas card once again, although she had the address memorised, she always needs it close, to remind her of where she was going and why she was going there. 

One thousand eight hundred miles is when she finally lets her mind and body rest. A motel she pays for in cash, feeling as though there’s enough space now that she can give her body a small break. Her fingers trace over a raised scar on her arm in the darkness of the quiet motel room, staring up at the ceiling as she remembers late nights lying next to her little brother and telling him stories of their future. So many promises she never knew she couldn’t keep, so many fantasies she had thought would come true. Maddie tilts her head to the side and imagines that blonde haired, blue eyed boy lying next to her, crying because their parents didn’t want to celebrate his birthday again. _You being born was the best thing that ever happened to me, Evan. I hope you remember that._ She hopes he still knows and that he doesn’t hate her too much for ignoring him for three years. 

Two thousand two hundred miles and she has to stop because suddenly she can’t breathe. It’s been three years and all she can think about is him slamming the door in her face or the fear that she’ll somehow ruin his life. What if Doug is right behind her? What if she’s about to drag her brother into something he never asked for? Something she’d always sworn to herself that she would protect him from? What if he hates her? What if it’s too late? What if… what if she’s disappointed him? How many times had her brother asked her if she’d left Doug yet and he didn’t even know the extent of anything that went on behind closed doors. All he could see, at twenty one, was that she was miserable and had been for a long time. That was the last time she had seen him, with a smile on his face and hope in his eyes that the Buckley siblings would say goodbye to Hershey together, at last. The way she had always promised him they would. The way she never had. 

Two thousand six hundred miles. It’s been fifty-two hours since she’d left Hershey behind, her head hasn’t stopped spinning since she’d practically stumbled out of her car, only to get told her brother doesn’t live at that address anymore. Her entire body feels heavy, her chest tight and she can’t breathe. It feels as though her husband's hands are around her neck, she can practically feel his breath against her face, see the darkness in his eyes every single time she closes her own and it’s not too late. He’s not back yet, she could turn around and be home in three days and he’d never even know she left. 

If she turned around now, her brother would never know she was here and Doug would never know she left. She gulps down the lump in her throat as she stares up at the address she’d been given, her entire body shaking as she turns back to look at the car that had taken her so far. And then she remembers Omar hugging her goodbye as he’d cried and whispered how proud he was of her, and Laurie handing her an envelope of money as she smiled and told her that she was doing the best thing for herself. 

She moves to grab her two suitcases, hoping that he won’t turn her away because if he does… she only has one other place in the world to go and she knows how that ends. The nerves increase with every step she takes, biting down on her lip hard enough to draw blood, realising every ounce of excitement she had felt is replaced with the prospect of rejection from the only person in the world she had left. 

But, it’s as though the universe is screaming at her to go back to Doug. To put her foot on the pedal and maybe she’d make it home before him if she didn’t stop because Buck isn’t home and no one is answering the door and maybe it was all just one huge mistake. And then there’s a slither of hope in the kindness of a man who introduces himself as the building manager, finding her slumped against the nearest wall by her brother’s apartment, unable to stop the tears that had been pooling in her eyes since she’d seen crossed over state lines into California. It’s with pity that he lets her in, she can see it in his smile and in his half-joke that she best not give him any trouble whilst she promises that she’s just here to see her brother. 

The thousands of miles still don’t feel enough, even when she’s looking around the home her brother has made for himself. There’s still fear rushing through her when she steps under the warm water of a shower for the first time since before she’d left Hershey. She tries not to think of her bruised skin, of the scars that mar her body from years at the hands of a man she had loved. Her eyes close, her forehead pressing against the cool tiles and not for the first time, she tries to imagine a life if she had gone with her brother six years ago. She wonders if he’d have found himself in LA, if he’d joined the LAFD, if he’d have been as happy as he’d seemed to be in his writing or his photos over the last year. She’s not seen him for _six_ years and nothing can ever make up for the time they’ve lost, for the promises broken or for the things they could have seen or done together, the two of them in the world. 

Logic is out of the window when somebody grabs the shower curtain, pulling her from her thoughts. Doug has found her, it’s all she can think about, screaming the moment the curtain is gone, until, “Maddie?” It’s with every ounce of stealth within her that she grabs the shower curtain because there is not enough time in the world that could pass that could ever justify having to see her brother naked, in the bathroom with her, clearly expecting someone who absolutely was not her. 

“Dammit Evan, don’t you knock?” 

It wasn’t exactly the reunion she had been imagining, or expecting but despite it all, when he smiles at her, it’s the first time in a long time she feels as though she can breathe again. 

* * *

Hands are on her shoulders, a voice she recognises but can’t quite make out through the sound of the machine beeping next to her, and the thoughts whirring through her head. Her chest is tight, her body feels heavy as though it’s reacting to something her brain hasn’t quite processed yet and all she can think of, even for just a second, is that he didn’t make it. _We always had each other._ She can hear his voice echoing in her head, over and over again and she’s not in the hospital room in LA anymore. She’s in Hershey and she can feel Doug’s hands wrapping around her neck and she can feel his breath on her face and see that darkness in his eyes and it’s as though no time has passed at all. 

It’s just a moment, although it feels more like an eternity, wondering if she had dreamt the whole thing and she was still there with him. Still living her own personal hell, still fighting through every single day until she opens her eyes and she’s looking into the terrified eyes of the one man who has loved her in the way she could have only ever thought existed in movies or books. 

It’s the tears that fall down his face that forces her to take a deep breath she hadn’t even thought was possible, hand blindly reaching for his before she squeezes as hard as she possibly can, trying to pull herself back into reality. Buck had made her feel safe and loved and as though she could breathe again but he wasn’t the only one anymore. She had a fiancé and a daughter who needed her to fight, just as she had for her brother. 

Chimney takes a breath of his own before he talks, “It’s okay, Maddie… I-I was just… I was just waking you up to tell you that Buck is going to be okay. He woke up. H-he asked me to…” He shakes his head, before his hand is gone from hers and his little finger locks with hers instead and somehow, the world makes a little more sense than it had the last time her eyes had opened. 

“He’s okay?” 

Her voice doesn’t sound like her own but he nods, a watery smile on his face, his other hand moving up to gently rest on her cheek as they stare at each other for a moment. “A-am I okay?” She doesn’t feel okay, it’s hard to keep her eyes open, it’s even harder to differentiate between what once was and what is now and she wants to go home and hold her baby girl. She wants to see her brother for herself and she wants Chimney to kiss her and tell her everything is going to be okay and most of all, she wants to believe him. 

But she can’t shake the feeling of fear of the unknown, of waiting for the darkness to come as though it hadn’t already happened. “They think so, I-I hope… I hope so. You took a really bad knock to the head, plus the pain medication, you’re just in and out at the moment… just get some rest. I’ll be right here.” 

Even if she knows that she’s seemingly done nothing but rest for the last few days, she’s exhausted. They could have died… _again_ and they had so much more to lose than ever before. Her eyes close, whilst she pulls her finger away from Chimney’s to grip at his arm instead, thumb brushing gently along the bare skin she finds there whilst she focuses on her breathing. “I love you, too.” He whispers and his lips against her temple feels as though an entire weight has been lifted from her chest. 

It’s not a dream. She’s made it through, _they’d_ made it through.


	9. 2019

**2019**

He’s dead. 

Those words don’t truly settle in until she’s alone in her hospital room for the first time. Buck has gone to grab some food even though she had told him that it didn’t feel as though her stomach could handle anything right then. Doug has been dead for twenty-four hours and still, she doesn’t  _ feel  _ it until right then. The tears fall and she doesn’t know if she’s crying for him or for her herself, for the life she could have had, the life she should have had, the person she could have been or the person he could have been. She gulps down the lump in her throat, carefully moving to her side, despite the throbbing pain from where he’d stabbed her and broken her ribs. She wonders if he was born inherently evil or if it was just circumstance, she wonders if him being born that way would make it easier to justify it in her head.

She’d killed him. 

Maddie can remember the sound of the knife going into him, the feeling of utter terror that had been rushing through her at the time. He’d always said they would die together, she’d always just assumed he was right. She hadn’t expected to ever survive Doug, even though she had been finding some sort of hope in the midst of everything over the last few months. Her eyes close, seeing him lying there, bleeding and pale in the snow before she forces them open again. Doug was dead and she didn’t have to be scared anymore but the fear was lingering. Maybe it’s a part of her now after so long. Maybe that residual fear would remain within her for the rest of her life. 

Every part of her aches in a physical sense and a mental one. He’d been relentless, he always had been, she can still feel the ghost of his clenched fist against her skin. The scream of her name echoes through her mind as her head spins and it feels as though she can’t breathe. She had wanted so badly to live and she hadn’t even realised it until her brother had wrapped his arms around her for the first time when she’d turned up in LA. The plan had only ever been to say goodbye to her brother and carry on running until the day Doug found her. 

But then her brother had told her that he was proud of her, that she didn’t have to be alone and she had believed him. For the first time, Maddie had thought she could live and she could breathe. Sixteen years of her life had been spent with Doug, with his constant texts and phone calls, him breathing down her neck, the tight grip of his hand on her arm or her waist, the harassment, the accusations, the constant need to know where she was or what she was doing or who she was with. Being with Buck in LA, and then eventually, getting to know Chimney and Josh, and working at dispatch and making friends… it was her first taste of freedom.

Doug being dead should feel like freedom but she still feels his crushing weight on top of her and that look in his eyes. He had wanted to kill her, she had seen it on his face and she knows, more than anything, that it wasn’t the first time but it had been the last. Because she wasn’t so badly to live, to not give up. 

But now he was dead and she had killed him and as those words start to wash over her, she wishes she had just stayed frozen on the ground.

* * *

“Hey, Maddie, I’m here. I’m right here.” Her eyes open to another hospital room, years later and this time, not alone. Chimney stands next to her bed, and the worry in his eyes breaks her heart because she knows she’s the cause of that. She must have been calling out in her sleep, still feeling her heart thumping in the aftermath of another Doug filled nightmare. It makes sense that she’d be thinking of him and a life once lived in the fear that the life she had now would be over. It makes sense but it doesn’t make it any easier because whenever she closes her eyes, she’s forced back into the past.

She wishes her head would stop pounding or that the room would stop spinning. Chimney is blurred around the edges but she can make out just enough to reach for his hand, relief washing over her the moment he wraps his hand around hers. “Buck?” 

“He’s going to be okay,” She’s right back to wondering if he’s told her that before; time seems to merge into one hazy mess. She doesn’t know what time of the day it is or what day it is. How long has it been since the car crash? How long were they waiting for help? She doesn’t want to ask because she keeps forgetting things and she doesn’t want to see that pained look in his eyes, “he’s awake, which is great because… h-he hadn’t… after the accident. But he’s awake and he’s talking but all he can talk about is you, how much he needs to see you.”

“He’s going to be okay?” His other hand moves to gently brush at the tears that fall down her face, her bottom lip trembling, looking at the man who had given her so much. He’d shown her how it felt to be loved in a beautiful way, he’d shown that life could be good and she could be safe and he’d given her the greatest gift she ever could have asked for - Amelia. She doesn’t know how long it’s been since she’d held her daughter in her arms and it breaks her heart to think about, she misses the drool filled kisses and the chubby arms wrapped around her neck. 

Her fiancé nods his head, tear filled eyes looking into her own, “He is, he’s out of the woods. A little worse for wear, he might need another surgery on his arm but… you both pulled through. You scared the hell out of us for a while though, Maddie... I-I’ve… I’ve never been that scared in my whole life. We couldn’t… I was waiting for you to come home and I hadn’t heard from you in an hour, then two and… I shouldn’t have waited so long to call around. Eddie hadn’t heard from Buck either, and your phones were turned off and…” The immense guilt on his face causes her hand to tighten in his own and the tears finally slip down his face.

He has a beard, he’d let it grow out once before whilst he was on paternity leave and she remembers pouting when he’d had to shave it off to go back to work. This time it’s rugged from days of not taking care of himself, from the looks of it. There are dark circles beneath his eyes, the grey in his hair appears more obvious than usual, a complete mess as it often is when he’s just gotten out of bed. Only, it kind of looks as though he’s not gotten  _ into _ bed for a while. 

“God, Maddie, you and Buck were out there for eight hours, all alone. Eight hours. I couldn’t… I promised you that you would be safe and you’d never be on your own and I let you down, we all let the both of you down and I am so, so sorry.”  _ Eight hours.  _ It seemed like more, but at the same time, it had felt like less. She can remember drifting in and out of consciousness, how she couldn’t keep her eyes open no matter how hard she tried. She can remember telling her brother to look after Chimney and Amelia, she can remember him asking her to look after Eddie and Christopher. It had hurt so much and all she had wanted was the man she loved and then he had come, he always came. 

“It doesn’t matter.” She finally finds herself whispering, holding onto him as tightly as she possibly can, “I-I don’t... I don’t care how long it took… you found me. You always do.” It feels as though it’s been an eternity since the last time she had felt his lips on her own, smiling the moment he leans down to do just that. 

It only lasts a moment, he seems afraid of hurting her and she just wants him as close to her as he possibly can be, knowing that with her broken leg, it’s difficult. “I just feel like I let you both down, and I let Amelia down, too. We all feel that way and I wish I could… I wish I could stop it.” 

“No, no… I get it.” He’s not right, it’s not his fault; the events of the accident are starting to come back to her, remembering her brother muttering something about a boy racer behind them before suddenly, there was the sound of metal on metal and they were thrown off the road. The car flipped, it all comes back to her at once, she can hear her own voice screaming for her brother and then nothing. “They left the scene of the accident, didn’t they? They… they didn’t call anyone?” 

Chimney gulps, leaning back down to press his lips to her forehead and then her nose but she sees the anger on his face right then as he nods his head. “They didn’t call for help. We only found you because Hen thought it would be a good idea to drive the route, we should have thought of that sooner… a-and it was dark and… we should have… god, Maddie, even just… half an hour more, you both…”

She’s fighting to keep her eyes open once more, trying to keep herself in the here and now, wishing she could hold him as he cried and that she could stay awake long enough to talk or to see her little brother. She can’t believe he’s going to be okay until she sees for herself. “Is there something wrong with me?” She finally finds herself asking, cutting him off when she pulls her hand from his, feeling the resounding panic tear through her. 

“You hit your head really hard, you fractured your skull but the doctors said that you’re gonna be just fine. You had a bleed on your brain, but uh, they don’t think there’s going to be any long term effects. Early signs are looking good but you know how these things are. But you’re just feeling the way you’re feeling because of that but you got a lot of pain killers pumping through you right now. It’s normal. I know you’re scared but I’m right here and I’m not leaving you ever again.” 

Her eyes close, but she smiles as he carries on talking, knowing he has to leave her side at some point but she’s grateful for the seriousness of his tone. “I love you.” She murmurs, reaching blindly out for his hand in her own once more before she takes a breath. 

“I love you.” It’s not until Chimney repeats the words back to her that she lulls herself back into unconsciousness, the darkness never welcome but she hopes, more than anything, that life may make a little more sense when she opens her eyes again. 

* * *

**2019**

Maddie stares at her brother, hand gently resting on his cast as he stares at the TV screen. He’s hurting, anyone can see that and she wishes she could stop it for him. She knows he had stayed by her side when she had needed him the most after everything with Doug. He’d held her hand, he’d promised her it would be okay and now she has to do the same for him. The weeks… the  _ months _ after Doug had died had been equally as exhausting as living with Doug had been, at times. She had tried so hard to move on with her life, to forget what had happened, to just… live again and she can see that frustration in her brother right then. She can see the fire in his eyes and the longing he has to get back what he’s lost. 

She’s felt that, too and she wishes more than anything, that she could tell him that it’s going to be okay. But that takes time and healing and she can tell he wishes she could take it all from him. She’s his big sister and she’d promised Daniel she would look after him and she can’t help but feel as though she’s let him down. 

Maddie could have lost everything that day in the snow. Her brother could lose everything if his leg never gets back to the way it had been. His entire being is entwined within working for the LAFD, it’s part of him, it’s his identity and she knows that he wants to be back with the 118 more than he’s ever wanted anything. And now he’s single again and she wishes she could tell him there’s something else for him but… he’s fought so long to find his place in the world and he’d finally found it. The universe couldn’t be so cruel as to take it from him now, could they? 

_ I’m gonna be something, Maddie.  _

“Maddie?” She gulps as she looks back at him, forcing a smile on her face. He loves his job but seeing him in the hospital is laced with memories of seeing Daniel in his hospital bed and she can’t lose another brother. And if Buck can’t go back to the 118… well, there’s more ways than physical to lose a person. “There’s really no point in both of us being single and miserable, is there?” 

Her nose scrunches up as she looks at him, confused, “I-I’m not miserable and…” 

“You are. And I know how hard you’ve worked to get to where you are right now and you’re in a good place… mentally but I think you miss Chimney and I think you’re too scared to admit that because it’s been a few months but I just… life is short, Maddie.” He gestures to his leg, “I could have died, you could have died and Chimney could have died all in this last year and you deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy.” 

She had been thinking of Chimney a lot lately, more so than usual, staring at his contact on her phone, looking through his social media. She wants a future with him but… her husband had stabbed him and she knows that Chimney would never blame her for that and her therapist tells her a thousand times over but sometimes it’s hard to feel as though she deserves someone like him. She knows, given half the chance, he’ll love her in the way she had always wanted to be loved… maybe more. That he could make her laugh, make her smile, his touch would always be gentle. She misses him more than it should ever be possible to miss another person who is barrel fifteen minutes away by car. 

“I want to be happy, too.” She whispers, a small frown on her face, “But…”

“There’s no but’s, Mads, that man is crazy about you and you are about him and if you leave now, he’ll be wrapping up a shift at the station. Maybe it’s time for a new chapter, right? For you? And maybe I’ll get back my old chapter in a few months.” He grimaces and she really doesn’t want to leave him but slowly, she nods her head. “I love you.” 

Maddie nods her head, leaning forward as she lifts her little finger up, waiting for him to cross his over hers, giving him a watery smile as she does, “I love you, too.” It’s with a breath that she stands up, brushing her fingers through her hair as her cheeks flush, “Do I look okay?” 

“You’re a Buckley, of course you do.” 

* * *

Maddie opens her eyes with a smile the moment her eyes meet with Chimney’s. He looks about as exhausted as she feels but she’s still grateful that he’s right there. “Hey, you’re awake. I have a surprise for you.” She watches him as he holds up the iPad in his hand, confused until suddenly, her brother’s face appears; a little paler and worse for wear than she’s used to seeing him but there he is with a smile on his face and a grinning Eddie standing next to him. 

“Buck?” 

“Maddie, you look awful.” 

She lets out a laugh, ignoring the way it aches her head as it does because she’s finally looking at her brother for the first time in what feels like a lifetime, but has probably only been a few days. “Like you look any better.” She whispers a thank you to Chimney when he moves some of her pillows so she can sit up a little better, whilst he holds the screen for her. She can’t believe she could have lost Buck again, it’s been too many times and they’d already lost so much. 

“Are you okay?” 

She smiles at the sudden concern in his voice, just staring at him; there’s cuts littering his face and she can just make out the top of a full arm cast. She’s glad he has someone this time, that Eddie seems to be stuck by his side just as Chimney is to hers. It’s all he needs and what he deserves. She watches as he rests his head on the man’s shoulder, feeling Chimney’s hand rubbing against her shoulder. There was a time when it had literally been the two of them against the world but now they had people willing to fight for them and with them and she has no idea how they had gotten so lucky. 

“I-I think so, I think I might be. The world’s a little less… hazy today, I guess. Are you?” 

Her brother nods his head a little, “I know, it was touch and go for a while… for both of us. It’s been six days… it feels longer but it also feels like yesterday, you know?” It’s not fair how much trauma either of them have been through but they survived, she’s just not sure how many more lives they have left between them. Once upon a time, there had been three Buckley siblings and then there had been two and for such a long time, she had thought Buck would be the only one left. 

She takes a breath, grateful when Chimney’s fingers brush at the tears that fall onto her cheeks, “I told you that you’d be there to look after Eddie and Christopher yourself… you just gotta let them take care of you for a little while, okay?” 

“Don’t you worry about that, Maddie, I’ve got him.” The camera briefly flashes to Eddie’s smiling face before her brother is back and she just… breathes him in for a moment. For just a second, she sees that little blue eyed, blonde haired boy who would link his little finger with hers and stare at her as though she was the most important person in the world. She remembers promising Daniel that she would love him enough for the two of them and still, she feels as though, in the sixteen years she had spent with Doug, that she had abandoned him somehow. The guilt remains, it always will but she knows it goes both ways. 

“Thank you… you never gave up, you never do.” 

She shakes her head a little, feeling Chimney’s tears on top of her head, “Neither do you. You were born to fight.”

Her eyes feel heavy again but she wants to look at her brother a little longer, she can see he’s struggling too, though. She’s not sure she’s ever seen him looking quite as tired as he does right then and she wishes she could see him in person. “We’re gonna be okay, Mads, Buckley’s for the win, remember?” 

She smiles, leaning her own head against Chimney’s shoulder as her eyes start to fall to a close. Buckley’s for the win.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much for reading and for all the people who have taken the time to kudos and send me your thoughts. It has meant the absolute world.

**2020**

Maddie had always wanted kids, she had always imagined herself with a doting husband, white picket fence and three girls and one boy. She wanted a big family, she wanted to be loved and to feel a lot of love. Having a big family had been the dream that was so cruelly ripped away from her by a man who didn’t know how to love. How could she put a child, or children through that? 

When she had first met Doug, he had said he wanted all the same things she had. A big family with a whole lot of love to give, maybe a puppy running around and… he had been perfect. And then they’d gotten married and everything he had once said to her had turned out to be a lie and somehow, she had found comfort in that because living in fear of him was enough. Trying to protect herself and watch her own back was hard enough, she couldn’t protect anyone else. It wasn’t safe to have kids, as much as she had always longed to be a mother. 

But Doug was gone and Chimney was the man standing on the other side of that bathroom door right then as she’s staring at the two pregnancy tests in front of her. She’s been here before - more than once - staring down at a test, praying to anyone who was listening that it was negative. She remembers feeling afraid, her heart would beat so fast that she thought he would hear her panicked breathing through the house. In the few minutes it would take for the results to appear, she would imagine a little boy being brought up by Doug, just as he had by his own father. She would imagine a little girl, covering her ears as she listens to them fighting from another room. She had been terrified.

She takes a breath, eyes fixated on each of the tests as she realises exactly what she’s feeling right then. Every single time she had taken a pregnancy test before this moment, she had been hoping and praying and crying for a negative result. This was the first time she feels an overwhelming hope surging through her as her hand falls to her stomach and she smiles. She wants this. She hadn’t thought about being a mother in so long, it had never felt like a possibility for her but she’s almost thirty-eight and time is passing her by and there is no one in the world she would want to bring a child into this messy life with other than Chimney. 

She  _ wants _ this. 

Two positive results. 

Maddie can remember meeting Chimney for the first time and thinking he was cute. He had smiled at her and her heart had skipped a beat and then a few days later, he had turned up at her apartment with the shyest smile on his lips and a perfectly wrapped gift in his hands and she had realised that men could be good and they could be kind. Falling in love with Chimney had been the easiest thing she had ever done, there was never a difficult moment, never a single second when she doubted him or his intentions. His smile made her feel safe and loved, his touch always gentle and when he pulls her close to him, she feels like she’s home. 

That’s the kind of man she wants to have a child with. She’s not scared, she’s  _ excited  _ and hopeful. She closes her eyes and imagines a little girl running to Chimney before he wraps his arms around her with a laugh. She imagines a little boy, the image of his father, a lopsided smile and bright eyes. 

They’re having a baby. 

* * *

Maddie grins as she holds out her arms for her daughter; lips press against her jet black hair and she pulls her as close as she can to her body, ignoring the pain that pulsates through her as she does. “Mommy missed you so much, Melly.” She can’t stop the tears that fall as the one year old wraps her own arms around her neck and she eagerly presses her lips to every part of her face she can possibly reach before she looks at Chimney, “Thank you. I needed this.”

“She needed you.” He’s smiling, tears in his own eyes and it feels as though she’s been away from her daughter for a lifetime even though it’s been ten days. She hadn’t thought it was possible to miss anyone as much as she had her. She still feels the same and smells the same and Maddie has to pull back so she can look into this beautiful, brown eyes that she adores so much. 

“Has she grown? I feel like she’s grown.” 

It’s with a laugh that he moves to sit on the edge of her bed, gently pressing a hand over the cast on her leg, “I don’t know, I don’t think so. Then again… it feels like only yesterday we were in a hospital room and you were holding a new-born baby in your arms.” The pregnancy hadn’t been easy with the pandemic. Those feelings of loneliness had embraced her once more, she couldn’t have Chimney by her side, she couldn’t even tell her brother that he was going to be an uncle to his face, they had to rely on a video call when the questions about why Chimney was moving in with him became too much. She had felt so powerless, as though the pandemic was taking every single piece of control from her - they had to tell people when she was only ten weeks pregnant, Chimney was gone and he didn’t come back when everyone else has, everything became about protocol and she couldn’t have the father of her child by her side. 

But then Amelia had come into the world and everything had just washed away. Every bit of stress and panic was gone and she was staring at this perfect little girl in her arms as Chimney cried. She smiles at the memory, pressing her forehead to Amelia’s before she pulls her close to her once more, never wanting to let go again. 

* * *

**2021**

Buck walks through the door of her apartment, tears in his eyes already and the biggest smile she has ever seen on his face. They’ve barely been home for two hours and she had been expecting him to turn up the very second his shift was over. He looks exhausted and freshly showered but so, so very happy. “I can’t believe she’s here.” His voice is just a soft whisper, as he slowly sinks down onto the couch next to her, staring in awe at the little girl she holds in her arms. 

Amelia Joy Han is everything Maddie had imagined and so much more. She has a thick flock of black hair that sticks up, just as her father’s does every morning. Her eyes are a dark shade of brown, she has the smallest nose she has ever seen and her lips are out in a permanent pout. She loves everything about her, it’s as though she’s staring at a piece of her own heart, this beautiful, perfect girl who Maddie knows, she would give the world too. And so would her father.

For such a long time, the world hadn’t been a safe enough place to even think about bringing a child into it but now… she’s surrounded by three of the most caring, gentle and kind men she has ever met in her life and she feels so overwhelmed and grateful that this is what Amelia will know. A life filled with love and laughter. Maddie takes a breath, not sure she wants to hand over her daughter to her brother but she can see him practically jumping in his seat. She lifts her up enough to press a kiss to the top of her head, just breathing her in before she hands her to her uncle. 

Maddie doesn’t take her eyes off either of them, the tears finally falling down her brother’s face as her baby in his arms, making her look even smaller than she already did. “Oh, Maddie, she’s beautiful. She’s…” It’s with relative ease that she shifts in her seat to rest her head against his shoulder, smiling at his words. Her heart feels full, listening to Albert and Chimney argue over dinner in the kitchen as she snuggles up to her little brother and daughter. “I just… I feel like I’ve waited my whole life to meet her, which I know sounds crazy but… she’s here. She’s actually here.” 

She can’t stop her fingers from idly grazing through her baby's hair. She wants her to have a good life, a beautiful life. She knows what mistakes not to make but she knows she’s going to make some of her own, too and it’s okay because… she knows, more than she’s ever known anything in her entire life, that she loves her daughter more than she has ever loved another person.

“I am so proud of you,” He hasn’t taken his eyes off Amelia, biting down on his lip in an attempt to stop himself from crying, to no avail. “I know this is everything you’ve ever wanted and she is just… perfect. I love her already, I’m gonna be the best uncle she could ever wish for.” 

“Hey now!” Maddie laughs at the sound of Albert’s voice through the apartment, snuggling a little further into Buck’s side as she nods her head. 

“She’s the luckiest girl in the world to have you as her uncle, just like I was lucky enough to have you as my brother.” 

“ _ We _ were lucky to have each other and I’m lucky to have her.”

* * *

“I heard there was a family reunion going on in here and you know how much I hate being left out.” 

Maddie looks up at the familiar voice as her daughter holds the small picture book out in front of her. Amelia’s back is pressed to her chest as Maddie read the words over her shoulder, pointing to each one as she does. The book is easily forgotten, both by her and her little girl when they’re looking at Buck being wheeled into her room, Eddie behind him. She hasn’t seen him in person since the accident, her eyes focusing on the cast on his arm for a second before Chimney and Eddie help him onto the side of her bed. 

His boyfriend hovers behind him with a hand on his back, that protective look in his eyes and a fearful look on his face and she can only imagine this was entirely Chimney and Buck’s idea and it would be much safer for her brother to have stayed in his hospital bed. Still, she’s grateful to see him, reaching a hand out for him as she smiles. “You’re okay.” 

“We’re okay.” 

They had known that much, they had spoken on video call but seeing him sitting next to her brings back memories of that day. She can see him bleeding and in pain, trying so hard to stay conscious and find a way out of the car. She can practically hear herself begging him to wake up, not able to feel relief until she had seen those eyes that she had fallen in love with at eight years old.

“I-I thought… I thought I had lost you.” She finally manages to get out, grateful for Chimney when he rushes to take Amelia from her arms, especially because she’s determined to crawl into her uncle's lap, despite his cast being in the way. 

Buck gulps, “There was a moment in there… when I couldn’t find your pulse and I just… I can’t breathe without you, I’ve never known life without you. Not really. Even when we weren't together, I still thought about you. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared. I don’t think I would have gotten out of that car alive if it weren’t for you, you were so determined, I could see how much pain you were in but you just… wanted to get us home. And if you couldn’t get us home, you wanted to get me home and I don’t know how to thank you for everything you have ever done for me. Especially that day.” 

She remembers it differently, she supposes, she remembers him being the one keeping her going, she remembers how scared she had been when he hadn’t woken up for those first few minutes her eyes had opened. “I should be thanking you, you wouldn’t let me give up, even when I wanted. And besides, you owe me a new pair of heels and I will be taking you up on that…” 

His eyes flash to her broken leg, a small smirk on his face as he rolls his eyes, “Yeah, maybe in a few months.” 

Maddie grins, lifting her pinky finger up, watching as he lifts his other hand up to link his little finger with hers, a wide smile on his face, too. “Buckley’s for the win.” She whispers, tears falling down her face as she curls her finger tightly around his. 

“Buckley’s for the win.” 


End file.
